A Letter to Lisa from Top Chef

Yeah, yeah, I'm behind again. I missed one and had to wait until both were being rerun at a reasonable time to catch up. You'll get recaps soon. In the meantime, have a faux letter.



Dear Chef Lisa,

I'm deeply offended by your categorization of Polish sausage as somehow inferior. I'm going to guess you've never had Polish food, where it is a staple and treated with respect. And sausage cooked in beer is a classic. It may not be particularly upscale, but it's generally regarded as good, solid food.

I'm sorry you've never had good Polish sausage. But a good chef knows how to take an ingredient and dress it up regardless of its origins, and if you had gotten over your superiority complex you could've done that. The same side dishes that served for your fish-and-chorizo would have probably worked fine for it.

What's more, I'm amused at the idea that chorizo is somehow more upscale to you than Polish sausage. While I know it's quite possible to get high-quality chorizo, usually what I think of is the cheap stuff, made of dubious meats (though still highly tasty). The point is, if you can find a decent chorizo at Whole Foods (and no doubt you can), you can certainly find a decent kielbasa. They're both sausage, and like all sausage, both available in a variety of qualities. The only real difference is their origin.

I think if you guys had chosen to do just the chorizo, though, it might've worked out. I personally thought the addition of the fish was ridiculous and had nothing to do with the dish parameters. I also question your use of tequila for the alcohol, but that's another story.

In short, you fully deserved to be at the loser's table, so get over it.

Love,

JRB
(Continue reading...)

Top Chef, "The Elements"

Top Chef, Season 4, Episode 5: "The Elements"

Finally, let's finish catching up with episode 5, only posted a day or two later than I meant to in the first place. Yay!

Morning dawns. People do pushups. People eat chocolate. Shut up, Zoi—erm, I mean, Zoi continues to complain how the results of episode 4 weren't fair. Which... they were, so, shut up, Zoi.

Guest judge Ming Tsai, who I'm not terribly fond of but can live with, is announced by Padma. We are told the amazing information that if one's palate isn't trained, one can't tell what tastes good. I never knew that. In the sense that I didn't know that water was wet.

Anyhow, it's time for this season's blind taste testing. Padma looks entirely too pleased to be pulling out the blindfold. Antonia tells us that she has been looking forward to this as its always her favorite challenge. I'm pleased at least one person has definitely watched the show, and suddenly move her way higher on the potential winners list.

The details this time around: the blindfolded chefs will be given two dishes of the same ingredient in different qualities. The chefs must identify the higher-quality version of the ingredient.

Ryan tells us that he's going to set the pace. I scoff, but when I hear his commentary on how to tell the better-quality from the lower-quality items, I realize that for once, he may know what he's talking about. As he more-or-less correctly informs us, the low-end quality items are more likely to be high in salt, sugar, or fat, as those are common in mass-produced items.

The chefs all have water to clear their mouths between tastings. Antonia goes one further, not only clearing between items but being very careful to taste with separate fingers. I would laugh if she ended up on the bottom, but honestly I expect she won't.

Lisa informs us it's easier without the blindfold, another nugget of "Duh" for the viewers.

Dale is glad he got the Asian ingredients right, but kicks himself over the caviar because he's such an afficiando of it. Me, I'm not surprised. I personally feel all caviar basically tastes the same, but then, my experience with it is minimal, being that I don't really like it much.

In the end, Stephanie is the worst, with only 6 of 15 correct. She knew she did badly, and tells us she's never good at Quickfires. She does not say that on the other hand she tends to do well in the Elimination Challenges, but I do note that, of course, she does. She is actually my favorite at the moment and I hope she at least makes the finale, and would like to see her win. But I sympathize with her feelings about Quickfires, since they would probably kill me if I tried.

Runners-up: a tie between Ryan and Jen (with 11 of 15). I guess Ryan is good at something. Zoi interviews that she's annoyed Jen did better than her. Bitch. Also, shut up, Zoi.

The winner is Antonia, with 12 of 15. I'm pleased, because I think it's nice to see a cheftestant who is clued into the process do well. While ultimately I still like to think the series is mostly about who is a good chef, the fact is, they do play a few games, and seeing someone game the games is funny. I'm kinda curious which ingredients she missed, too, but alas, they don't tell us this. This would be a great addition to the official site (detailed results in general, not just this particular Quickfire), but I'm not holding my breath they're going to include anything useful like that.

Elimination Challenge: The Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball (say that ten times fast) is going to be catered by local chefs... but only the second through fourth courses. First course will be the responsibility of the the cheftestants.

We are reminded again that taste comes from your palate. I roll my eyes.

The theme of the first course is going to be the elements: earth, water, fire, and air. I'm glad they're going with the Western ones, because I'd be scared if the chefs had to tackle Metal or Wood.

And out comes the dreaded knifeblock. Once teams are drawn, they have a mere 15 minutes to plan, which seems kinda rushed for a team challenge. In retrospect, especially given the trend of judges' table comments this year, I can't help but wonder if they were trying to force some drama. I don't know.

Also... while I really want them to get to individual challenges and get away from catering, I have to say that a challenge based around the elements is damn cool. Along with the Seven Deadly Sins challenge from Season 2 (and the accompanying colour-based Quickfire), this challenge and episode 4's "Film Food" are probably my favorites, because I love that sort of broad creative theme. Not to say I haven't liked some of the other challenges, but stuff like this is just plain neat.

Anyhow. While they plan, we get to confirm who is on what team.

Team Water is: Mark, Andrew, and Richard. I begin to wonder if there's some sort of conspiracy hooking up Andrew and Richard. I also begin to wonder if they're going to do salmon and faux caviar for every dish they work on together.

Team Air is: Jen, Ryan, and Nikki. I am still not sure how I feel about Jennifer, but I can tell you I'm not fond of or impressed by Ryan and Nikki, so I'm kinda inclined to be sympathetic she's stuck with them. But at least she doesn't have Spike. Anyhow, for 'air', apparently they're going to do something birdlike. Which... I guess works.

Team Earth: Spike (spit), Antonia, and Zoi. Spike wants to do a boring soup. (Note I'm not objecting to him wanting to do soup. I'm objecting to the fact that Butternut Squash Soup is so done at this point that I am done with it without even having had any, ever.) Zoi is good with this, but Antonia doesn't feel it's the right choice and argues hard against it, suggesting a carpaccio dish. I can't remember now if she's the one who wanted mushrooms, but whomever suggested it is at least thinking right.

Spike gets in her face a LOT about how since she has immunity she shouldn't be making decisions. I flash back to Casey having immunity and having people be upset that she was taking a back seat because of it, and this just emphasizes for me that people with immunity are sort of in a weird place on a team. If they participate fully, people bitch. If they let others control things, people bitch. Wah wah wah. But, eventually Spike gives up on the soup, doesn't bother suggesting anything else, and bitches to us some more. Shut up, Spike.

Team Fire: Dale, Stephanie, and Lisa. Dale gives us his "thought process" about "fire, devil, deviled eggs" after suggesting it. While it's not an entirely stupid idea, it's not enough for a first course, so Lisa is probably right to object at least in part. More on this in a little bit. Dale interviews that Lisa is a negative person, which I think many of us have noticed. She always seems to be frowning or upset. But he's a bit of an ass about it.

Bravo breaks for commercials, advertising their own shows for the 325th time since I turned the episode on.

Shopping. The budget is $500 for each team. I believe they said something about having 80 guests. If that's right, they're getting about $6.25 a person, which probably isn't horrible for a first course, except of course, they're shopping at Whole Foods. (Okay, look. I actually do like Whole Foods. But seriously, I never will buy meat there again. They're great for organic stuff in general, though.)

Lisa tells us that because the judge is Ming Tsai, she really, really, really wants to do Asian to show off to him, and I mean, really, don't you think he's had enough Asian? I put "Shut up, Lisa" in my notes, because she sort of annoys me as she relates this.

Spike shows us Yet Another Hat as he uses a sarcastic "just slightly" for at least the second time (first time about Jen and Zoi, this time about Antonia's immunity and how she should shut up). I note that he thinks his options are basically strangling someone or taking a back seat. I think Spike may have issues with women. He definitely has troubles with black-and-white thinking.

Lisa asks her teammates if she can vocalize something. Vocalizing something in the process, since one has to vocalize to ask a question. Sorry, but I hate that term. Also, I hate when people say "Can I give you my opinion?" and stuff like it. Just say "Hey, guys, I need you to know I feel" whatever. Which she does. At length.

Now, I'm not saying she's wrong here. In fact, honestly, after certain other cheftestants' behavior when it comes to not believing in the food, to see someone insist they feel their team is doing the wrong thing is a nice change. But honestly, she comes off so annoying here. I may be being a little unfair, because she does have the right to object and to be heard, but... it's just about how fervent she is, I guess. I don't know.

Stephanie continues to win points with me by interviewing that her goal was to get Lisa on board with the team's dish, and managing to push that along by making alternate suggestions and getting Dale to agree. I strongly suspect that Stephanie's employees would love her, and am beginning to hope she leads the Restaurant Wars team when that horrible occasion occurs, although I'm a little scared it'd set her up for going home if things went wrong. So, anyhow, they decide on a spicy shrimp, which Dale is actually behind because he's got this great chili salad idea, and Lisa is much happier with, and finally get to the real shopping.

Meanwhile, Richard is buying watercress. Because he's part of Team Water. Um. Yeah. Also, of course, they're cooking their fish in water. Which is probably not a horrible idea. Yet.

Spike is still whining about the soup. Shut up, Spike. You agreed to go with another idea, you're shopping for it, it's over. Shut up. I can't believe you don't shut up!

But back to Richard. Richard is going to sous vide the salmon. Of course he is. Sigh. I mean, nothing against sous vide, but really, could you go one round without the mad science? Maybe. Also, you can't "orchestrate" salad, unless it's going to be a scary Symphony Salad. Also, you aren't the executive chef. So, shut up, Richard. And buy some hair gel. Your fauxhawk is drooping.

Lisa, meanwhile, is telling us about her special bacon, which apparently she's baking and using a pan to flatten. Which, um. I've been baking and broiling bacon since, um, a really long time ago, and while I haven't personally done the flattening thing, I have heard of other people doing it. I concede it's a good idea, but I'm feeling a little like she's touting her super-creativity a bit more than is warranted. Also, I swear at this point she said something about turning bacon into miso, and was confused as to how that would work, though it will turn out later she's just using miso in the preparation. At the time I wondered if that wouldn't just make it super-salty.

Team Air is doing duck. We don't see a lot of that, because it's much more interesting to show us Dale bitching about Lisa, who he says is bitching about everything. Indeed, in the clips shown, she's definitely got her dander up, down to and including bitching about how the bacon is somehow too thick, which, um, it looked like regular sliced bacon to me. On the other hand, bitching about someone bitching... um. Is what I do for a hobby, so I'll shut up.

Shut up, Spike. You're a two-faced liar. You aren't enjoying working with those women. Also, one of them's gay.

Shut up, Tom. No reason. Just shut up.

Shut up, Richard. You have no charm. You've said so yourself. You turn out to be right. Although that look on Tom's face was almost worth the bad jokes. I don't always like Colicchio but some of the faces he pulls are funny.

Shut up again, Tom. Pre-emptively. Before you do your usual dish dis.

Shut up, commercials. I revoke your right to say "reimagine".

Shut up... oh. I'm out of shut ups.

Back from commercial. Andrew is worried about scales that Richard found. Richard says he's going to double-check the salmon is clear of scales. Please note this for later. Also, for some bizarre reason, Richard doesn't want to plate until the last minute, and I agree with whichever person said he's probably never had to plate for 80 people before.

Team Water goes out. Sous vide salmon. Tapioca pearls. Yawn. Parsnip puree. I think whether or not I'd like that would depend wholly on seasoning. Watercress salad. Eh.

Ming Tsai finds scales. The number he says is 4 or 5. Then it becomes more. At judges' table, it will increase again. Tom notes that "some things aren't good sous vide". The salmon did not come out well, texture-wise. No one's impressed.

Team Fire: Spicy grilled shrimp with chili salad and the famous bacon. Padma thinks it's terrific. There's a small debate about whether or not it's too spicy for a first dish, but for the most part people (including random guests) seem to think it worked.

Team Air: Duck breast, Citrus Salad, Pomegranate Prosecco Aperitif. They didn't render the skin on the duck. Ew. Tom is sick of little drinks being served with meals. Me, too! Ming Tsai notes he likes them with dessert, with the obvious implication that with a regular course, not so much. Yeah.

Team Earth: Carpaccio with Mushroom Salad and Sunchoke Aioli. Now, this isn't a bad idea. Mushrooms and Sunchokes are decidedly earthy, and rare/raw meat certainly leans that way. In fact, Gail notes that she likes the theme. However, taste-wise is another matter. It's bland and the rosemary was a bad choice. (I... I don't know. I really like rosemary, but I concede it may not be the earthiest flavor in the world.) Spike reminds us he wasn't behind the dish. Shut up, Spike. A random guest says they think someone on Earth's going home. Ouch. (Send Spike! Please? Yeah, I know, wishful thinking... he's going to point the fingers elsewhere, we all know this.)

Judge discussion. Padma and Gail love the shrimp. It's their favorite. Go, Team Fire! Ming Tsai really enjoyed it as well. Tom loved the bacon. I guess the miso didn't make it feel salty. So, cool on Lisa. Really, I do like the method she used. My complaint was her going on and on about how special she/it was. I may have to try weighting the bacon next time I buy some.

The judges universally agree the scales and the sous vide between them killed the Team Water dish.

Tom didn't get the duck dish for Team Air. Gail liked the salad, though.

Team Earth was also not liked, because the food was significantly underseasoned. Tom uses the term "Cooking 101". I book a flight to go shoot him. So sick of that term.

Mark (Team Water) thinks they're going to get their asses handed to them. Richard says he wasn't happy with the execution.

Pre-table stew room. Mark isn't ready to go home. Duh. Richard still thinks sous vide was the right choice. Despite just saying that he wasn't happy with the execution. Padma's dress has a lot of ruching, and she wants Team Fire.

Winners' table. Yay, Team Fire! Dale hugs Stephanie and Lisa. I'm impressed. I'm more impressed by the fact that Lisa apparently knows how to smile. The miso-bacon dish is praised. The prize for the winner is announced: a trip for two to Italy. Nice. Stephanie explains her dish. She used sambal. Yum! Lisa is declared the winner for doing a "new technique". ARGH. Okay, I'm over it. Lisa's interview basically seems to be "Asian, Asian, Asian" repeated a hundred times. I want to tell her to shut up, but she's so happy, I can't. Dale is all upset because she "just made bacon". Which... on the one hand, sure. On the other hand, all he did was make a chili salad. What got her the win was her choice of ingredients combined with the cooking style, just like any other dish. Shut up, Dale. Be bitter quietly.

BTW, I have to say I really, really want to make this dish. Now that I've seen the ingredients, I even think the bacon is probably a lot more to my taste than I thought originally... plenty of sweet to help balance out the salty. It'd take having some extra money for ingredients I don't normally keep on hand, but I've been meaning to get some miso anyhow, and the dish really does sound spectacular. First dish this season I've felt this strongly about, so, really, again: go, Team Fire!

Bad news time for someone on Team Earth or Team Water. I guess Team Air was superior to them. Sad, but given comments, not unexpected.

Padma starts with Team Water. Richard lies his face off about the scales. Padma asks if Richard was happy with the texture of the fish. He says yes. Tom does not at all feel it was good. Tom also wants to know what the "reason" for the parsnip puree was for. Mark takes a while to come up with an answer (it's kinda a stupid question, so I don't blame him), but Tom is all dismissive. Whatever.

Team Earth: Antonia says she likes their dish. Tom and Ming Tsai say it was severely underseasoned. Zoi... oh, I can barely write this. It's so... lame. She says that maybe in their attempt to not overpower the ingredients, they overcompensated. Stop explaining, Zoi. Gail notes there was too much rosemary. Spike says he wanted lemon. Why didn't he add it, then? Spike goes on to blah blah blah Antonia immunity shut up, Spike.

And he just keeps talking. Should have have made soup, blah blah. Judges would have loved to see a soup. Shut up, judges. You agreed the concept was fine (except Tom, apparently), so, shut up. Spike says he's too nice and lets other people make decisions instead of being an asshole. Again with the black and white dichotomy, like there's no other way between them. An asshole is him.

Deliberation. Ming Tsai uses the "Cooking 101" phrase and I add to my flight. No one liked the texture on the salmon. The lowest score was, however, the Carpaccio. So is it going to be Zoi or Spike going home? Spike should've tried harder to be heard. Zoi did a bad job with the mushrooms. Tom wants to send both of them home. Frankly, at this point, if that's what it'll take to get rid of Spike, I'm all for it.

Judges' table "reconvenes", and Padma does an obvious voice-over.

Team Water had a dish that sounded good but didn't work out. Team Earth wasn't Earthy enough. He says. Even though Gail said the concept was great and the problems they originally noted were about seasoning. I hate him so much for that moment. Dumb-ass. Anyhow, the upshot is, the judges agree with the diners that Team Earth had the worse dish. Zoi loses. Spike's assholity wins another week. At this point, I am hoping he stays until the end so that someone can stab him to death on national TV.

Zoi says she wanted to cook, not compete. Um. Okay. Then you're on the wrong show. And, honestly, I should say something here I said elsewhere: I don't think Zoi is necessarily a bad chef. We didn't see much interesting out of her, granted, so I can't really know, but honestly, I got the feeling that the issue wasn't one of talent or ability. What I believe, especially in light of that comment, is that she is the type of person who does far better with planning than improvising. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the kiss of death for the show, of course, but it doesn't say anything about talent one way or another.

Back where the chefs are waiting, Jen hears Zoi say she's the one going home and isn't sure it's not a joke. Zoi is doing a pretty good job of not crying, though you can tell she kinda wants to. She and Dale say goodbye. Jen hangs on her and kisses her. Zoi leaves to applause. Jen is, of course, upset. And this, this is why I wasn't sure it was a good idea to let an involved couple on the show... because barring them both blowing the competition out of the water, this was inevitable. As hard as it might be to have someone go home you respect and have started to get to know and like, as hard even as seeing a friendly face (someone you've worked with or known for a while) go home, seeing one's lover leave, especially if one believes in them, has to be so much worse. I know they probably can't totally avoid chefs who know one another, but... I hope they don't do something like this again.

In the wake of Zoi leaving, Spike immediately tears into Antonia. Spike thinks it's heinous that someone with immunity would dare perform as if they didn't have it. Fuck you, Spike. Antonia keeps saying "Stand behind your dish", which... I get the point, I guess, but it comes off bad when it's all she says. Spike blah blah blah blah not fair not fair whiny little baby. Jen gets upset. Spike gets in Jen's face. Lisa says something which interviews have since confirmed was meant to be calming things down, but it doesn't. Dale turns into a gangsta, with the big gestures and crotch-grabbing, and if it had happened in another context I probably would find this hilarious, but things are way too intense over there and I pretty much just say "WTF?" At the end, Jen is so pissed off, she kicks a chair across the room. I'm just glad she didn't kick one of the contestants, although if she was going to, it probably would've been Spike... so...

...naah. I don't want her going home for that reason.

Okay. So. Caught up, I am. Next time? I have no idea. I could go watch a preview, but I probably still wouldn't know. (Continue reading...)

Top Chef, "Film Food"

Top Chef Season 4, Episode 4: "Film Food"

Oh, it's never a good sign when in the show's opening minutes, a cheftestant is talking about how he misses his family...

Heh, I have "Shut up, Spike" in my notes and I don't even know why.

Anyhow, the guest judge is Daniel Boulud, who we're all supposed to have heard of. Since I am not a professional, I will assume it's okay I don't know much about him. Anyhow, the Quickfire is all about technique, and the chefs are to create a "vegetable plate" using fresh vegetables and pantry items, showcasing at least three "techniques". I, of course, have no idea what "demonstrating techniques" is really supposed to mean... I assume that knife work is only one of them, and since various people go on to do types of cooking methods and such, I guess I'm right.

We get the usual "but I'm not classically trained" stuff out of about a third of the chefs, which I sort of get, because the mindset and approach are different even if the ability really isn't. Since apparently things like poaching and grilling count as techniques, I'm sure I probably have at least three "techniques" at my disposal, but I'd be lost figuring out what that meant if someone just threw the challenge at me. Which, again, is why I would never be caught dead as a cheftestant (or a professional).

Anyhow. End result: Boulud doesn't like Nikki's "endive boat", Lisa's combination of ingredients, or Manuel's simplicity. He does, however, like Zoi's perfect poached egg (I guess eggs are vegetables now), Dale's amazing plate (he does have him some serious knife skills), and Richard's presentation and mushrooms. He declares Dale the winner.

The prize for this Quickfire win is to be able to skip the knife drawing (groan) that the rest of the chefs engage in, and choose which team (groan) he wants to be on.

The Elimination Challenge is to do a six-course meal hosted by Richard Roeper, movie critic (and former columnist), cohosted by some actress I don't know named Aisha Tyler. Whenever I see the name Aisha I think of Neopets. The courses should be inspired by a movie. Which is actually a kinda neat idea, but now I can't help but wonder what a challenge based on Neopets food would be like. Other than disturbing.

First course is: Richard, Andrew, and (by his choice), Dale, and I already foresee this team winning. They choose Richard's suggestion of Willy Wonka, which I think is actually pretty inspired. Somehow I'm less than surprised that Richard likes Willy Wonka. Mad Scientist.

Second course: Spike & Manuel. Manuel wants to maybe do Mexican and suggests a movie Spike's never heard of. Spike counters forcefully with Vietnamese, and says they can use Good Morning, Vietnam as the movie. Which, uh. Cart before horse sorta thing, but whatever, they're not the only ones who are going to do this, see:

Third course: Jen & Nikki, who (of course) want to do Italian, and therefore pick Il Postino. I think they should've gone with The Godfather and done something with a horse's head.

Fourth Course: Ryan and Mark. Now there's a combination sure to be good for some chuckles, and yup, Ryan provides the first one by suggesting Dumb and Dumber, which to me conjures up the notion of beer and pizza—probably not a good choice. Mark has never seen it, and suggests To Kill a Mockingbird, to which Ryan responds with a blank look, but then, let's be honest, that's pretty much his default state. They back and forth a bit until Ryan has the astounding idea of doing A Christmas Story, only he can't remember the name of it even though he can describe the scene in detail. Mark shrugs. He hasn't seen it, but he gets the idea. This is already overly long, so I'm going to just say it involves having to substitute for Christmas turkey (with duck).

Fifth course: Antonia & Zoi. They want to do lamb, and specifically they want to do Spanish food, inspired by some movie called Talk to Her, which they play up as some movie about two strong, creative women, only apparently the women are in a coma for most of the movie, so, uh... whatever. They join the ranks of the "food first, movie after" crowd.

Last course: Stephanie & Lisa, who definitively do not want to do dessert, partly because they just did it last time, and partly because, well, they're smart. So they're going to do a beef and short ribs dish, which they link to some movie called Top Secret which apparently has a really funny cow costume scene or something. I don't know. Apparently I haven't seen enough movies recently.

So, basically, four of six teams have chosen meal, then movie, which irritates me a bit. Jen & Nikki redeem themselves a bit later by choosing specifically to do rustic-style Italian because of the movie, but there's not a lot of excuse for the others.

Anyhow. Time to shop at ProductLocation Placement, er, Whole Foods. Which, by the way... not a bad store, but honestly, I've never really been convinced their price:value ratio is all that good. Eh, whatever.

They get to the store, and we see a few decisions being made: The Willy Wonka team is going to do smoked salmon and faux cavier. Spike shows his true colours again by a) wanting to choose tilapia over sea bass, which I condemn him for because tilapia isn't exactly a high-end fish, it's just trendy, and b) only saying this to the cameras, not his partner, and c) obliquely calling Manuel his employee, and taking a moment to realize that he shouldn't say that. I hate Spike. Antonia discovers lamb is super-expensive (they're at Whole Foods, all the meat is overpriced IME) so they have to be very careful cutting to make sure they get enough portions. Because, you know, they can't change what they're making even enough to get chops or something.

And then there is the saga of the bird. As Mark puts it, "Just like in the movie, there was no turkey." And there's also no duck. Ultimately, they end up with quail, which he's relatively pleased about as he thinks it can be even better than duck if done well. I'm pleased, too, because duck is overused. Plus they should totally tell that story when they present the food, because it goes with the movie so well.

Later on, the chefs are in their digs, and Andrew.... Andrew is trying to imitate an Oompaloompa. Because he's INSANE. Thankfully, his teammates talk him out of doing this as part of the presentation, because they recognize he's insane, only Dale puts it as "kitschy" and Richard as "a little tongue in cheek". But you can tell they're thinking "insane".

Cooking starts. Nikki and Jen are cooking kale. I say "eww". Dale is doing the fish. Richard thinks he's a leader. Spike says "everyone knows summer rolls are made in Vietnam", which, if it's true, doesn't need to be said, so shut up, Spike. Also, he takes the time out to dis the Willy Wonka folks, so, shut up, Spike. Also, they're doing something with swiss chard, which I am very boggled by. Mark and Ryan are doing a spring roll, and I wonder if they mean a summer roll type or the fried type. The not-dessert ladies are going to be using caramel in their dish, I guess to give it the sweet-but-not-dessert feel. I have had good sweet ribs so this only sounds very slightly weird. Richard breaks out the mini-smoker again, and I'm starting to lose my fondness for his Mad Scientist shtick, because really, stop basing dishes entirely around it. The mini-smoker is apparently sick of it, too, since it stops working.

Meanwhile, the judges are entering the serving area. Padma appears to be falling out of her dress. There's a theater marquee announcing the movie inspirations in the room, which is a nice touch.

Back in the kitchen, the mini-smoker still won't work, so after a few other mishaps, they finally resort to smoking the salmon over an actual block of wood. I have no idea where they got this, but I have to admit that's pretty resourceful of them.

Presentation time.

Richard presents for Willy Wonka. They have lightly-smoked salmon, faux caviar, and chocolate wasabi sauce (the chocolate is the connection to theme, I guess). They've also included a drink, which Richard plays up as their version of the fizzy drink in the movie. It's apparently pear and celery soda which sounds... kinda bizarre. I'm kinda freaked out by the presentation of the salmon, but I'm not sure why. Tom says it's surprisingly good. Boulud likes it, other guests like it. Richard Roeper particularly likes their explanation. Ted thinks they do a good job of doing a delicate starter.

Spike presents for Good Morning, Vietnam. His summer roll is cut in thirds. It's very sloppy-looking, and to be honest, looks more like it's filled with coffee grounds than anything. It has vermicelli, green apple, and chilean sea bass (and possibly other, non-captioned things). There's some nasty-looking swiss chard thing on the plate. Boulud thinks it would've worked better without the fish. Ted says that for the budget they had, they could've gotten seafood. It's not well-liked, and Padma seems to think it's pretty obvious they picked the movie to fit the food.

Nikki presents for Il Postino and talks about the hillsides of Italy. I'm a little tired of Nikki doing pasta, but I have to admit it sounds good: tortellini with black cabbage, cheese, squash, and peppercorns. I also see some mushrooms in the picture on the Bravo site. It's a little messy and edging towards monochrome, which (probably predictably) leads Boulud to mention he doesn't like the presentation. Ted, on the other hand, defends it, as it's meant to be rustic. Tom thinks the dish is good, but not great. Richard Roeper likes it being rustic, and thinks everyone is being harsh. Ted Allen kinda says it's the judges' job to be nitpicky. Fair enough.

In the kitchen, Mark is worried his spring roll (which is the fried kind) is going to be dry, and they cobble up a sauce (I think Ryan does this). Ryan presents and tells the story of the inspiring scene, and actually does a pretty good job of selling it. There's quail breast with carrot puree and a cranberry chutney, and a spring roll using quail leg, which has some sort of sauce and which is really tiny and phallic. Padma thinks it's really delicious. Ted Allen says he has a new favorite dish. Richard Roeper comments on the story. Aisha likes the puree a lot, as does Padma.

Again to the kitchen, where Antonia is fretting about plating. I'm overjoyed to see people helping her. The presentation mentions the whole vibrant colours thing, which... well, I'll get to that in the judging segment. The dish is roasted rack of lamb with a saffron cauliflower puree, romesco, and something called gramalata that I can't get a definition for. Someone help? Anyhow, Boulud doesn't like it. Tom doesn't think it's vibrant enough, and wishes they'd gone for a chop instead of the really thin slices of lamb. See? Really, there's nothing wrong with lamb chops, folks. Aisha liked it, but it wasn't "transcendent".

Finally, Stephanie informs us that she really wants to impress Boulud, which I understand. Lisa does the presentation. They've done a NY strip and a braised short rib and apple potsticker with a reduction sauce and a tableside-applied savory caramel sauce. Boulud likes the seasoning. Tom likes it. Aisha thinks it's very original. Ted says he isn't sure about the connection to the movie but it kinda looks like he might be joking. Not sure.

At the table, the judges remain and give us their overview.

Tom thought the first course was whimsical and fun; Boulud liked the flavor combos and thought it was the most professional. Ted Allen notes it was also subtle.

Second course: Tom didn't like the "fishiness of the fish" or the garnish.

Third course: The dish was good, but the pasta was too dry. (But... it was made by the pasta queen herself! Are they... are they saying Nikki isn't as good as she thinks? (Helpful note: this was meant sarcastically.))

Fourth course: Mark and Ryan did a nice job, the dish had good colours (??) and they had a good story.

Fifth course: Tom doesn't think it matched their movie. He will continue to declare this repeatedly.

Last course: Boulud thinks they did a good job. Tom thought it was flawless.

Judges' Table.

Padma asks for the Willy Wonka (Richard, Andrew, Dale) and Top Secret (Stephanie, Lisa) teams.

Tom says both teams did a really good job with both their food and their connection to the movies.

Richard gets kudos for the chocolate wasabi sauce. Andrew gets them for the faux caviar. Lisa gets super-mega-kudos for the caramel sauce.

The winner? Team 1, specifically Richard for his execution and leadership.

Meanwhile, back in the Loser's Hotel, er, the waiting area, Spike and Zoi are both talking shit about the chocolate wasabi, which they didn't taste. They just magically know it would suck. Shut up, Spike and Zoi. I've had several types of spicy chocolate and it's usually quite good, and have they ever heard of mole sauce?

Loser teams are Good Morning, Vietnam (Spike and Manuel) and Talk to Her (Zoi and Antonia). What a surprise that the two people who dissed a dish they didn't even taste are now going to the loser's table. NOT.

Antonia says she's surprised to be in the bottom. Tom harps about the colour a lot and wasn't sold. Padma likes the explanation they give at the table better than the one they gave at the presentation.

Let's pause here. Okay, I agree that they kinda shoe-horned the food into the movie, yes. Like several others, including their fellow losers' table people. And I agree that the dish could've been a bit more colourful if that's what they were going to sell (and agree they should've gone with their judges' table presentation instead of the one they did). But I have a picture of this dish in my web browser right now, and while it might've been nice to see a more yellowy yellow, the colours are pretty stand-out, particularly if put against a dish like Team Il Postino. (That's not a complaint about that dish, it's just that if one is going to talk about non-vibrant, that one pretty much is.) I honestly think this would not have been an issue if a) the other dishes weren't stronger and b) Tom Colicchio wasn't a judge. Because when he gets a bug up his butt, it's like the Roach Motel. The team might still have been on the chopping block (again, not because they sucked, but because the others mainly did a great job), but I wouldn't have wanted to shoot Tom for repeating himself 10000 times. Especially since he admits it tasted good.

Okay, rant over.

Anyhow. Team Vietwhatnow gets dinged for their very bizarre swiss chard pickle, which Tom (correctly) notes seemed to have no relation to the dish. Tom's also very surprised they really did spend their entire budget. Honestly, so am I. Manuel comes off a bit wussy, saying he kinda just went with the flow and honestly wanted to learn from Spike's idea, since he doesn't really know Vietnamese food... which is kinda cool on the one hand, but a bad thing to say at judges' table. Spike is asked to pick which one of them ought to go home, and says he doesn't "play that way", which is such total bullshit that I go borrow some boots from Paul Bunyan.

Back in the waiting room, Zoi is still bitching about the chocolate/wasabi thing, because it's so foreign to her. Frankly, I'm about ready to smack her, especially since it's so obvious from the comments that it's either Spike or Manuel going home, and also, they got a freaking compliment on the lamb, so, shut up Zoi. Manuel also sees the elimination as pretty obvious, and concludes he's going home. Awww.

Back at the table, they basically repeat everything they said before, as usual, and send Antonia and Zoi out into "still competing" land. Manuel and Spike are told their dish was the least favorite of all the guests, and then more of the same stuff, blah blah blah, Manuel is eliminated.

Manuel thanks the judges, very nicely, and then tells the other chefs they're talented and brilliant. He doesn't really seem all that upset, and he seems like a really good guy who just isn't suited for a reality show. I would be happy to let him make me tacos any day.

Next time: Fights! (Continue reading...)

Top Chef, "Block Party"

Top Chef Season 4 Episode 3: "Block Party"

Only about two weeks late, my overview of episode 3. On the plus side, I had a chance to confirm some facts via TWoP. Thanks, TWoP!

So, the Quickfire judge is someone named Rick Bayless, who I have never heard of, nor have I heard of his restaurants, which seems odd since they opened long before I left Chicago. I'm guessing it's because they're downtown, hidden by the other 5000 downtown restaurants I couldn't usually afford. Anyhow, he has a sort of grating voice and I think he dyes his hair, and I don't like him, but he at least seems reasonably nice, which I like better than when they have the asshole judges, but he talks too much about how visionary his upscale Mexican is, so, shut up, Bayless.

Anyhow. Quickfire: take a taco, make it upscale. I'm overall really bored with "take a thing, make it upscale" challenges, and this is no exception. Chefs tell us how tacos are street food, some of them don't get the point of making it "fine dining", which I agree with, but it's expressed in a really bad way by all of them. Jonny Fairplay "Spike" tells us he doesn't want to be someone he's not, to which I respond, then use your real name, EVANGELOS. And shut up, Spike. But apparently this means he's just going to make a really good street style taco.

Somehow, this secures him a spot in the top three, even though it was precisely not the assignment. The other top people are Richard, who made a jicama-wrapped taco-like thingie, which actually seems like a neat idea, other than I wanted him to shut up about how innovative he is. So shut up, Richard. And lastly, Andrew, who I don't really like much but who obviously knows what he's doing, and who makes a duck and plantain taco, which is probably good, if one likes plantains. Richard gets the actual win, though, which is probably fair. Spike complains, because his obviously tasted better, not that he tasted Richard's. Shut up, Spike.

The bottom three are Erik (for plating), Lisa (for undercooked steak), and Ryan (for presentation), meaning two of three are because of the way they look, because obviously that's a sin in fine dining, much more important than the taste. Shut up, Bayless. And Erik is not about fine dining Mexican or whatever. Shut up, Erik.

And for the Elimination challenge, they get to divide into teams, which, really, I'm already sick of this season. I think I read on someone's blog (Lee Anne, maybe) that team challenges are easier earlier in the season or something, but seriously, bleah.

So they drive around and use walkie-talkie thingies and text messaging to try to figure out what's going on, without a clue, which is just pointless and time-wasting and I'd much rather have seen more cooking or opinions on the food then this. Production team, please note: watching people speculate stupidly and drive around? Not interesting.

Anyhow, the upshot is: they're going to be catering a block party. There's some product placement of some web site I haven't heard of and won't mention here since it obviously isn't important. And the Big Reveal: They'll be "shopping" at people's houses! Which, of course, they cleverly disguised in the previews, which were pretty much all about them running around with shopping bags from house to house. Preview team, please note: telling us exactly what's going to happen detracts from these Big Reveals.

Anyhow. The neighborhood folk obviously were prewarned, but the chefs make some comments that make me wonder if they've considered this. Red Team calls themselves Team Sexy, haha as if, and send Ryan because he's all suave, which he isn't, and cute, which I note that a lot of people seem to think (but I'm not one of them), and think Erik would scare people or something, which really I suspect he wouldn't. I found out later what neighborhood they were in, and it's maybe a mile or two from where I lived in high school... Erik would probably fit in fine. Richard notes he's bad at schmoozing, but then doesn't do too bad, and at least there's something he doesn't think he's good at.

Spike, who obviously still thinks he's on Survivor, tries sabotaging people, and then claiming he's not sabotaging anyone. Shut up, Spike.

Anyhow, they get back and start planning their menus. Blue Team wants to take familiar food and make it a bit more upscale. Red Team wants to take familiar food and make it familiar, because we all know those plain folks have no taste. No, that's seriously the impression I got of what they thought, which will later be confirmed.

Blue Team: Richard is making paella, Lisa is making some sort of slaw, Manuel is making BBQ pulled pork, Antonia is making bean salad, Mark is making "inside out" cookies, Stephanie is making a fruit dessert with cinammon sugar wontons, and Nikki is making macaroni and cheese, because Nikki makes pasta. And they're doing some sort of citrus drink with lavender, which we'll later learn was at least partly Stephanie's idea as well, and which I bet would work quite well on a hot day. Really I wouldn't call that much of an upscale from regular block party food, including the paella (which is, after all, often done as huge batches for gatherings), despite what Richard says, so, shut up, Richard. These people don't live far from a Latino neighborhood, they've probably had paella. The most interesting things, I think, are the desserts and the drink.

Nikki is using Velveeta for her mac & cheese, which she worries won't melt well and stay melted, even though that's precisely what Velveeta is made for. And it comes out dry. I continue to wonder why she wasn't sent home already, because, frankly, screwing up Velveeta takes talent.

Red Team: Jen is making "sliders", by which she means mini-burgers, Erik is making corn dogs, and I'm already groaning because... well, I'll get to that. Dale is making pork skewers. Andrew is making sangria, which hardly seems like the work of a long time... I hope he's working on something else? Ryan is making Waldorf salad, which doesn't strike me as good summer street food. Zoi is making pasta salad, which she doesn't want to make. Spike is making taco salad. The team is making s'mores (Maybe another Andrew thing? They're to be on sticks, which strikes me as his kinda jive.), which is probably the most summery of desserts they could've picked, so it seems like a good choice. In fact, the menu is mostly pretty summer block party but I'm still iffy on that whole Waldorf salad thing, plus three salads seems overkill.

Anyhow, back to the corn dogs. Once again, they're pre-cooking and then transporting and keeping warm, so this was a horrible choice. I can't believe that one week (less for them, I imagine) after the blini thing they're already making the same mistake. Erik is worried about the transport, which shows he's at least thinking about it, but it's still a dumb idea, and... well, it has predictable results.

They show more shots of people enjoying themselves than commentary on food, of course, because it's not a cooking show or anything. Oh, but wait, it is. One thing of note is Ted asking if the sliders are steamed (which they should be; I may not like White Castle but it's the right way to make 'em, dammit), and of course, they're not. So call them burgers. Okay? I am not happy with this co-opting of the word "sliders" to mean "miniature burgers". Padma is groovin on the s'mores, but drops half of hers, haha. There's a few other comments, but not enough.

Richard notes that since Red Team is fitting in better, he thinks they probably won. Spike notes they kept it simple for the locals. Shut up, Spike. The people in that neighborhood can afford to eat out at nice places pretty easily, if they choose, and they probably do, so doubly shut up, Spike.

Judges' Table time. Padma asks for the Blue Team, and I give a little cheer, because more of the people I like are on it. Red Team immediately starts bitching. Shut up, all of you.

Tom notes it was fairly close, and that he expected a lot more out of these chefs. Frankly, from what I saw, so did I. They basically made... block party food, with very little twist. They went pretty safe. (So did Red Team.)

Nikki gets dinged on her inability to make the cheese product known for its meltiness stay melty. Richard gets dinged on his not-paella because it wasn't crusty. To be fair, ingredient-wise, it looked pretty paella-y to me but I get the point. And to his credit he admits it should have been crispier. Antonia's bean dish was good. Stephanie gets credit for the dessert and drink and that's the reason she's the winner, as that's what made Blue Team better than Red Team. (Actually I couldn't tell if it was both or if it was the drink alone, but it sounded like both.) Go, Stephanie! And send me the recipe for that dessert, okay? (Oooh, I should check Wong Way to Cook for it.)

Red Team is sent back, and after they leave, still grumbling, Blue Team breaks out the celebratory hijinx, including Mark improvising a didgerderoo, which was funny as all hell.

Padma lets the Red Team know they were weaker. Ryan says he doesn't know why. Spike thought they were way better. Shut up, Spike.

Erik gets called on the soggy corn dog, and for a moment I thought he was going to cry. It's a specialty of his in his restaurant so I can sorta get why he got the idea and all but the judges are right; it's not a transportable dish. Though now I have a taste for a good corn dog. I'm not a fan of generic corn dog but I've had some high-quality ones that I like. They're annoying to make though with my kitchen setup at least, so, I guess I'll go on wanting them.

Everyone gets dinged for "dumb-downing" the menu, which Spike (shut up Spike) and... I think Jen? Someone else, anyhow, they try to defend, because of course we all know that normal folk have unrefined palates. Ted calls them on this, noting that even if you plan simply it still should be cooked well. Tom asks if everyone tasted Zoi's pasta salad, and opines if they thought it was good, it's their palates that were at fault. Erik tries to defend Zoi because she didn't want to do it, but the judges aren't buying that.

Andrew pulls an attitude about not going home. Shut up, Andrew. With any luck, he will get dragged out by security when his time has come, though it's not gonna be this week, I'm sure. That'd be funny, though.

Red Team is sent away and the judges discuss. They feel the team condescended to the crowd, which is exactly what they did. The worst dishes: Ryan's soggy and watered down Waldorf, Erik's soggy corn dog. Ted notes it probably was great when fresh-cooked but after sitting it was not, and they should've done something else. Zoi's pasta salad was "worse than store bought". Ouch.

Out in the waiting room, Zoi is angry at herself for not speaking up about the salad; she should've said she didn't think it was a good idea and done something else. Agreed, but a little late on that, though at least she realized it earlier than some people, and didn't blame her teammates. Valerie.

Back to the table. Tom goes over what we just heard. Erik is the loser.

I'm not really surprised, nor am I surprised when everyone seems genuinely upset. He seems like a nice guy. Erik says he's going to miss people, especially Zoi, who seems like she'll especially miss him. I think they bonded over the soufflé. Erik notes he still has his restaurant and his career, so it's not the end, and he had fun. Nice words. Hopefully he won't come up with some stupid, bitter interview later. Valerie.

Next time: Well, I never saw the preview, since I watched E3 and E4 back to back, so I don't know! Only, well, I do now, but... well, it's coming. (Continue reading...)

Zounds!

Just finished the late showing of episode 5 of Top Chef, and all I can say is: Yikes! (Spoilerish.)
We've known, thanks to Magical Elven Spoiler Patrol, er, I mean Bravo's preview department, that there was a blowup coming, and that it likely had to do with Zoi and Jen. Well, tonight was the night.

I couldn't really follow it very well, and I suspect they left out a lot of what was said... so I won't try to recap it precisely. But I will note that if someone were to take Spike and shove him off a boat into the Chicago River and then run over him with the boat? I would cheer. Yes, yes I would cheer heartily.

I'm still not quite sure how Dale and Lisa ended up getting into it. I think Lisa said something she thought was defusing the situation and Dale took it badly based on her prior behavior (and I have to admit, she was bugging me this episode) but I'm not quite positive. What I do know is that at least half a dozen people were very, very angry, none of them came off very well, and Jen actually kicked a chair across the room at the end.

So. Um. I'll see if I can catch that again and figure it out more, but wow, was it intense.

And Spike? Fuck you.
(Continue reading...)

playing catch-up

I missed episode 3 due to illness, and episode 4 due to not wanting to get out of order. I'm watching them now.

Probably won't bother doing full recaps, just impressions, but we'll see. Hopefully I'll be back on track with this week's episode.

I will say that once again, I'm pissed off at the site for putting spoilers all over the place. Not to mention the schedule was broken anyhow. Again. In a new and different way.

Maybe they should hire a webmaster who knows something about the web.
(Continue reading...)

Speaking of Top Chef

Is it just me, or is this week's preview on the site a little... lame?

I'm not even going to bother to link to it. It's a minute of pretty much nothing: the chefs are riding around, talking about how they don't know what's going on, and then there's something with them on people's porches with shopping bags. Or something. Is the preview department on vacation?

I don't know. I suppose in a way it's better than "here, have the opening 3 minutes of the show, including the 'previously on' and the full credits", but honestly, it's like they're not even trying anymore.
(Continue reading...)

Metacommentary

I didn't have a chance to catch any of the reruns, so I'm afraid that the initial impressions are all you get for episode 2 of Top Chef. And yes, I'm seriously considering if I can shoehorn a DVR into my budget to make this easier.

In the meantime, I'm still reading random recaps over at TWoP, and am a little irritated by one of the recappers.

See, the thing is, I rather enjoy reading the recaps there, and in fact the recapper in question (Strega, for Angel) is pretty funny. But there's one habit she has that I find particularly annoying, and that's the habit of slathering [sic] all over dialogue she's quoting.

I have two problems with this. The first is that, frankly, I'm annoyed by the concept. Dinging dialogue in fiction for grammar is a big no-no in my book (and in many other peoples' as well). This is because, well, people don't always speak grammatically. They take shortcuts. They use slang and dialect. It happens. Making a big deal about it as a flaw is really over-the-top, and it's not like there aren't plenty of other things to criticize about the show. (Of course, what I feel those things are and what she does often vary, but that's another post entirely.) If every character sprouted completely grammatically perfect sentences at all times, it'd be far less realistic. If she were recapping a reality show, I wouldn't have an issue with it, but writing characters to have the same flaws as real people is something I want to encourage, not complain about.

The second reason it irritates me is that in some cases, the things she points out weren't errors in the first place. For instance, it irritates the hell out of me when she throws a [sic] after the use of "they" to mean "some single person we don't know the gender of", because, like it or not, this is not only accepted usage these days, but it's actually how it started. The use of "he" to mean the same thing is a later invention than that particular use of "they", and going back to it makes sense to me, since English doesn't provide a singular non-gender-specific pronoun otherwise. I want people to just get over it already. Another example that stood out was the [sic] after a character's use of "priorly", which is not only a word but was used correctly, albeit perhaps slightly awkwardly.

So that this isn't just a massive bitchfest, let me repeat that I mostly enjoy the recaps. I like seeing how other people viewed a television show and what they got out of it, even when I totally disagree with them on which parts were good and which weren't. If I wasn't into that sort of thing, this blog probably wouldn't exist. And TWoP is a great site overall, with some really witty recappers. I think that's actually the reason it irritates me so much when one of them exhibits a habit that I dislike... if they weren't so good to begin with, I probably would just ignore it and not use the site, but because I tend to enjoy what they're doing, it just highlights the bits that drive me nuts.

And to give it a little more relevance to the blog: I've been thinking about putting up my own recaps/reviews of certain shows I own on DVD, that mainly being Buffy, Angel, and Babylon 5. I don't own the complete run of any of those, alas, but I have enough (six, three, and four seasons respectively) to do a fair overview of the shows. I suppose I wouldn't be considering it if I didn't sometimes disagree with the recaps I've read, so there's a good side to that... even if I'm not sure for whom.
(Continue reading...)

Not About Top Chef!

So, one of the things I do for fun sometimes is read show recaps over at Television without Pity, usually of shows I either have watched, or watched but then gave up on. For some reason, I'm currently working my way through the recaps of America's Next Top Model. Yesterday, for a little while, I had to stop reading because I was really irritated about body image issues.

It's season ("cycle", whatever) 3, and Toccara, who is a size 12, is doing pretty well. Until they get to the fashion designers, who of course are just aghast, aghast that this extremely fat cow who might even be, if you can imagine, a size fourteen, is trying to wear any of their clothes.

No, really. If anything, I'm understating the reported derision, and Potes is probably understating the actual depicted derision.

Now I'm sure some of you out there are the type who would think that a size 12 or 14 is really disgustingly fat. You can leave now. In fact, I'm fine with you never coming back. The rest of you are probably going, "But... isn't that like the average size of women in this country?"

Why yes. Yes, it is. And even if you buy into the hype that this country is full of nothing but fatties... if that's the case... why are designers only making clothes for extremely thin people???

It really irks me that the average size in this country is somehow considered plus size and that people design around the lower end of sizes exclusively. It irks me even more that even designers I respect can't make a garment that someone of an average size can wear.

It's kinda like the "Ordinary Woman" challenge from Project Runway 3 all over again, only with even meaner people.

I mean, look, I appreciate that there are more challenges designing for someone whose body proportions are different from what you normally work with. Obviously if you're used to working with a tall, willowy figure, doing a short, pear-like figure is going to mean making some changes. But, you know, even most of the skinny women I know are a) a lot shorter than models and b) tend to be at least a little meatier than models. And most of the women I know are larger. (The one person I do know of model-thin proportions? She has a hard time finding clothes that fit well, too. Weird, huh?)

I've seen pictures of Toccara. She's gorgeous. She does have very large breasts and slightly large thighs, but she's not what I would call "fat". I bet if she had her body fat measured, she'd be well within what's considered healthy. (I don't believe in BMI, so don't care what hers is.) I'd bet from the poses she can hold she's in better shape than most of the people watching the show, too (and I'd like to see you run up several flights of stairs).

So... all this leads me to wonder: why the hell is America's Next Top Model supposed to be so tall and skinny anyhow?

And what do we get out of it? Clothes that fit no one but a small percentage of the population. Models who are sometimes literally starving themselves to death. Ones with visible, countable ribs and vertebrae, who think that a head of lettuce is a meal, who worry about gaining two pounds... who are forcing themselves to fit a specific mold that most of them don't belong in.

And bitchy designers and media people who have managed to convince themselves that a normal, average woman is disgustingly fat... and that "fat" automatically means "not pretty".

I'd like to think that the awareness of the propensity towards eating disorders in models and those who see them as the ultimate goal of beauty is going to mean that when I get to later seasons of the show this won't come up as much. But I'm not holding my breath. Because 14 is still plus-size. Because even Tim Gunn, who I usually respect, can call a tall, skinny model "fat" because the other girls are skinniER. Because we still use the ridiculous BMI method of determining acceptable sizes, instead of the much saner body fat percentage that takes into account things like bone structure and muscle density. And because people are hypocrites, because a lot of the people who judge these women fat aren't exactly models themselves. I'd like to think this will change, but mostly, I've given up.
(Continue reading...)

Short Bus

Oh, Valerie, Valerie, Valerie. I was feeling bad about your departure until Blogging Top Chef linked me to your really hastily-printed interview here.

First off, it doesn't matter whether or not Antonia tasted your food at that point. I don't mind you being a little upset about it, but a) she had heard the judge's comments about the food by then and, b) between the two mistakes, I'd have to agree yours was worse (and Stephanie put out a second dish that was really good, to boot), c) she was really put on the spot and didn't look like she liked being forced to make a choice, so d) how are those grapes?

Second of all, blaming the blini idea on Antonia, too? Because, you know, if someone says "I have this really great recipe for sheep's toenails", you obviously run and do it? I'm not even a professional chef, and I know that if you cook blinis ahead of time, you might as well be serving shoe leather. Why didn't you just say something at the time? Edit for clarification: In short, whether the original ideas for blinis were her idea or not, she still agreed with it and did it. If Antonia had been the one to do it, she'd be the one I said made a lousy decision. Throwing out an idea in brainstorming that's bad is a different matter.

Third—and this applies to everyone, not just Valerie—can we please have a moratorium on the phrase "threw someone [direction] a bus"? I'm really done with it. It's as stale as those blinis must've been. (At least she didn't say someone threw her over a bus, I guess. But still.)

Now it happens I agree that Nikki should've been the one to go, even though I've said I do get the judges' reasoning. But really, way to wash out any sympathy I had for you.

(And seriously, is it just me, or did that interview come out really quickly? How long have they been sitting on it?)
(Continue reading...)

"Molecular Gastronomy" and BUHLEENEE

Just so you know, Top Chef's planned reruns of episode 2 today are right smack in my prime time with my guy, so I don't know if I'll get a chance to fill in my notes today. Friday rerun is a little earlier so it's more likely I'll get to it then, so hopefully expanded recaps will be up over the weekend.

Anyhow, just a few morning comments after reading blogs.

I think Ted Allen and I were dipping into the same collective unconsciousness... he not only mentions the blini pronunciation (and spells the mispronunciation similarly) but also he doesn't like the term "Molecular Gastronomy" either and like me, isn't sure why people were expecting miracles from farmer's market meat.

Anyhow, I've been meaning to write about my problem with That Term, so here we go: while the chefs who use the techniques are definitely into the science behind why certain foods combine well and how the foods react to different ways of preparing them, they aren't generally toting around electron microscopes, as far as I know, unless a miniaturized one of those is being sold next to immersion blenders and I didn't notice. Unless they're actually into the details of how the molecules are reacting to their changes, they're not really doing molecular anything at the time they're cooking... and besides which, knowing the results of scientific experimentation and incorporating them is not the same as being the scientist. Either that, or I am a physicist every time I freeze something. Take your pick.

I like the term "food science". I suppose the problem with using it officially is that "food science" has a specific, broad meaning, but on the other hand, it's a meaning that includes all of the little bits that go into the big MG term. (Technically MG is a subset of "food science", but the people who use the term are doing some of the related fields, too, albeit perhaps on another level than organized science.) But in context, it gets the point across, and some people do use it, and I prefer the term, myself.

In fact, I actually like the concept. The idea of, for instance, taking a list of food esters and matching things up based on that list that you might otherwise never think to put together is just neat. I'm sure the results aren't always the best, but that's true no matter how you select ingredients. And I think the little physical property tricks you can pull by the right combinations of ingredients and tools could probably result in some really interesting textures... and as someone who is particularly picky about food texture as well as taste (there are several foods where I like the taste but hate the texture and therefore avoid them) I'm all for finding new ways to present textures. Maybe someone can make me some artichokes I like.

Last on the anti-use-of-this-term, there's a psychological factor. People who like throwing around the term Molecular Gastronomy every 5 minutes seem to be really full of themselves... and people who hear the term reject the concept out of hand because of it. At this point it's hard not to wince when you hear the term... which is probably why Richard is so self-conscious about it and why we didn't hear it from Andrew at all even while he was using those techniques.

And this could be a whole post by itself, but while I've got the editor open, I also wanted to note a few more things:

• Ted Allen and I are joined by Rocco in the detest of the three-syllable "blini" pronunciation.


• Harold makes a really funny little "not mentioning any names" comment regarding food science, Richard, and Other People.


• Tom and Gail both were suitably harsh on Nikki's decisions but go into a bit more detail about why Valerie's were worse, and I'm feeling a little less annoyed after reading them.

I thought I had something more than that to say but it's escaped me, so I'll leave you to enjoy your morning coffee in peace.

Edit: No, I do have one more thing to say. There's a bio & interview of Wylie Dufresne up that goes well with my ranting about MG, specifically this bit here:

Bravotv.com: More generally: What is molecular gastronomy?
At this point, it means many things to many different people. The term was coined by a scientist to explain the relationship between cooking and science, but it has gone on to encompass more.

Bravotv.com: What do you think most people's misperception about it is?
I think the term is unfortunate in that it has a clinical aspect and makes people think of lab coats. It sounds as if the human element has been removed from the cooking process. I like to think of it as a term that just refers to the information that enables a chef to achieve certain goals, a scientific means to an end that still requires all of the human side of cooking. Ideally, it assists in making us better cooks.

Bravotv.com: Do you think Top Chef has made the concept of molecular gastronomy more well-known and accessible? Are you surprised with how Top Chef fans have embraced it after seeing chefs, especially Marcel, use it?
For better or for worse, Marcel has increased awareness. But chefs are now distancing themselves from the term because of the connotations it conveys.

Okay. Now you may have your morning coffee.
(Continue reading...)

Blini is a Two Syllable Word

Top Chef Season 4, Episode 2: "Zoo Food"

Hey, non-existent readers. I wanted to do something different this week: get something up quickly with initial thoughts and a quick summary for the episode, and then do more detailed recaps after I get to watch a rerun or two to fill in details. It probably goes without saying that behind the cut, there be spoilers.


The Quickfire was kinda cool: buy food at the farmer's market and make something good, using only five ingredients total, not counting salt, pepper, sugar, or oil. That's tricky, yes, since it means it does count other herbs and spices, but that's what makes it a challenge, right?

Guest judge was "Molecular Gastronomist" (still don't like that term) Wylie Dufresne, who is basically a big geek with a lot of restaurant and food science cred. From his judging, seems like he's a nice guy.

Obviously Richard was psyched over this, so it's a shame he ends up in the bottom for a dish that's too oily and just not well put together enough. From the comments it almost sounds like Chef Wylie expected more out of him than the others and so was holding him up to slightly higher standards.

Two chefs mention something that happened with their ingredients: Mark misplaced some lettuce, and Spike didn't get what he expected, though since I saw the product and the judges ate it and didn't die, I'm guessing this is more "American lemons suck" than it is "this food is lousy". Me, I tend to not buy meat at farmer's markets so I don't know.

In any case, in Spike's case, his mentioning it works against him, as he ends up in the bottom with a comment on how he could've worked around the problem. In Mark's case, it seems to work for him, as Chef Wylie notes that he managed to work around his missing ingredient and put together a really good combination of flavors.

The dreaded Knife Block arrives, and the first person to draw is Manuel, who seems very bemused by the fact that his knife reads "Vulture". As the chefs keep drawing, we learn that they're assembling teams (bleah, team challenge already?) and the other animals mentioned are penguin, bear, and gorilla. I already knew from previews they were doing something at the Lincoln Park Zoo at some point so it's no surprise that that's where the food is going to be served: a catered party for 200 at the zoo, making dishes designed around their animals' diets.

This strikes me as really cool, and I comment the Penguin team is in an interesting position as the only team that'll be focussed on fish... it's a chance for them to really stand out. After thinking about it I realize that bears eat fish, too, though, so that might not really be as stand-out as I was thinking. Anyhow, either way, the challenge is a pretty interesting idea. Our cheftestants get a list detailing the diets of the animals and work out their dishes.

Team Gorilla is Valerie, Stephanie, and Antonia. Team Vulture is Manuel, Mark, and... Zoi? Team Penguin is Andrew, Jen, and... Lisa? Team Bear is Dale, Spike, and Nikki. (Please do not shoot me if I got something wrong there, I'll correct it in the expanded version if I did.) Edit: As in, for instance, the fact that there were 5 teams, and wow, did Bravo totally not focus on the fifth one or did I miss something? I guess Team Lion was Richard, Erik, and Ryan? Maybe? Or was Ryan somewhere good? Ugh. I need a TiVo. Or to shut up on details until I'm sure.

So you know how the other day I said Spike was starting to remind me of Johnny Fairplay? Forget "starting to". Spike is on some other reality show, trying to kick people off the island, while the rest of the chefs are just trying to cook. He's a dick. I'm not even going to talk about him anymore. He's dead to me.

Anyhow, so, they plan their menus, they shop, they cook. Somewhere along the line, Valerie mentions that she's cooking buhlee knees, which after 4 or 5 repeats I finally realize is "blinis", and I think, that's not a great thing to cook in advance. There's also some issue with Stephanie's something chip not crisping.

Meanwhile, Nikki's mushrooms have come out looking extremely unappetizing, and she's basically done exactly what I did the first couple times I made stuffed mushrooms and not given them enough moisture to cook, so that they shrivel up. There's some dissension on the team about serving them or trying to salvage them.

The other two teams seem to be doing a lot better, and it turns out Andrew actually is also a fan of Wylie Dufresne, which I would have in no way expected. Also, either they edit him better or he swears less, and either way, he's acting a lot better this episode.

In no way did I guess from this extremely light foreshadowing the outcome. It was not at all upheld by the various commentary we got during serving.

I am, of course, lying. As has been obvious since mid-cookery, Teams Vulture and Penguin go to the winning Judges' table, where there is very, very little commentary, but what little there is makes it obvious Andrew will be the winner. And, well, he is.

Andrew sends back the losers. A lot of people say "buhleenee" and make me twitch regularly. Do these people also say "buhluhd"? You know, like that stuff in your veins?

Anyhow, at this point, the two people on Team Bear are arguing over whose fault it is the mushrooms suck. On the one hand, Nikki made them and they probably shouldn't have been served. On the other hand, Dale was the one who cheesed them and didn't taste them. On the other hand, Nikki didn't taste them either, and she was the one who insisted on serving them to the judges even after they were crappy and cold. I personally would've sent her home, but what I personally want and what happens are rarely the same thing.

(I hear some buzzing sounds of evil and remember that Team Bear has a third member, who tries to simultaneously backstab both his teammates but who the judges rightly include in the "no tasting" accusation later after the teams are dismissed.)

Over on Team Gorilla, Stephanie completely admits that mixing the crab so early was a mistake and her fault. Valerie completely admits that making blinis early was a bad idea. Unfortunately for Antonia, the judges completely put her on the spot and make her say which dish was better, and she picks Stephanie. The judges also let us know that Valerie's blinis didn't taste so great either.

After some more discussion, which increasingly is about mushrooms, of course they send someone home for them, right? That's why it's...

Valerie. Damn. Well, that's a shame. I mean, yeah, she made a really bad choice and apparently they didn't like her ingredients to begin with, but still, I think that Nikki insisting on serving cold, yucky mushrooms to the judges, which they knew because she made a point of telling them, was a worse choice. I admit I'm not a Nikki fan anyhow but seriously, if you know the stuff looks bad, aren't even sure what it tastes like at this point, and you know it's cold enough that you don't want to serve them to the general public, why give them to the judges?

So, that's it for now. I'll put up expanded recaps in a few days.
(Continue reading...)

Episode 2 Recapreview, Now With Credits

For anyone who hasn't seen it elsewhere:



It's not much of a preview, considering two thirds of it is composed of recap, credits, and establishing shots. On the other hand, it gave me a chance to realize something. Spike? Yeah, um... anyone else thinks he borrowed his facial expressions from Johnny Fairplay of Survivor infamy? I mean, it's one of the few things I remember about my limited experience with the show. Really makes me wonder if he's going to turn out to be as much of an ass.

On the plus side, we got to see Stephanie's super-pleased reaction to winning again, which was cute. Also, I got to take a really good look at the credits. Seems like they were trying to get everyone to smile or laugh for them, and in some cases succeeded better than others. Notably, Spike looks smug, Nimma looks nervous, Andrew looks far more relaxed than he's seemed on the show, Dale does the Stupidest Dance Ever, and Erik does this great metal pose to finish it off.

Also, you know, Mark is really kinda cute. In his bio interview I didn't really notice but in the opening credits and the show itself he looks a lot better. Between that and the Enzed accent, I'm guessing there's a good chance he's this season's man-hunk. Don't know about the girls, though. Really, most of them are pretty attractive, but the standards of female beauty in this country and my tastes don't generally agree. Maybe Antonia? Dunno.

Anyhow, as to the preview itself, all minute-fifteen of it, it doesn't tell us much. Unless you care about Stephanie and Valerie's exercise routines or the fact that Zoi and Jen apparently have the same shoes in different sizes, it really doesn't tell us anything at all. I'm guessing it's just the first 3 minutes of the next show. Yawn.

Bravo seems to like to do this, to either give us a preview that is completely yawn-worthy, or one with stuff in it we'll never see. Occasionally they spoiler something instead (or think they're cleverly not spoilering it but do anyhow), but they really need to learn how to put together better previews IMO.
(Continue reading...)

Addenda, Corrigenda, Clarification, Et Cetera

I suppose I could've gone back and edited the original posts, but I've always wanted to use 'corrigenda' in a blog post title.


First, mea culpa, please shoot me, whatever: It's MASCARPONE, not that "marscapone" whatsis I've been confused into typing. I really did used to know this, but I've seen the incorrect way so many times that I lost my mind a little.

Secondly, it occurs to me that technically, typing crème fraîche without the accents isn't "correct", but since I keep my notes in a regular text file, it's more a matter of "all the letters in the right order". As distinctly opposed to "pepeprjack" or "avacoda", the latter of which sounds like a musical term and not food. (My best typo, however, was probably turning Valerie's name into Lavier.)

Thirdly, I called out Nimma as the person who got the "dry" comments about her pizza, but then I read TWoP's recap and they mention Nikki. I swear my notes say Nimma and that I was convinced it's who they said, but TWoP's generally pretty reliable, so now I'm not sure. Anyone with a TiVo or something wanna clear this up for me?

Fourthly, it's TiVo, as I have it there, not Tivo, as I have it elsewhere. But really, who cares, because what I actually meant was DVR, though likely if I had a DVR it'd be TiVo.

Fifthly, someone please smack me until I pick a style regarding the term "home-town", or "hometown". I think this applies to a few other terms, too.

Any other errors, I don't wanna know about.

PS: Was the original showing of Episode 1 longer than the usual hour? TWoP's recap seemed to include things I swear I didn't see.
(Continue reading...)

TC Season 4 Official Blogs review

So one of the fun parts of Top Chef is reading the official blogs for more information and further opinions. For this first episode, I wanted to give my impressions of them, complete with letter grades. I probably won't do this for later episodes, though I imagine from time to time I'll have something to say in response to one of them.

Tom Colicchio (C)

Tom, Tom, Tom. Those 'wet beef' sandwiches, those are called "Italian beef". Yes, yes, the proper way to eat them is 'hot and wet' (bread dipped in the jus with hot giardiniera) or 'sweet and wet' (with sweet peppers or mild giardiniera), but... some people do eat them dry, after all. Those heathens.

Anyhow. I'm glad to see Tom appreciates Chicago on a culinary level, though I do wince a bit at his mentioning Lettuce Entertain You. Don't get me wrong, LEY has opened some good restaurants... but they've also opened some not so good ones, by which I mean "ick", and amongst my friends, at least, we're always wary of a new enterprise by them.

And yes, Chicago's music scene is terrific.

I do wish he'd chosen to talk about the first episode, but maybe that's coming later?

Padma Lakshmi (No Grade)

Padma apparently decided video blogs are in. I decided I'd watched too much video lately so nothing on hers this time.

Gail Simmons (B+)

Gail knows what an Italian beef is! Yay, Gail!

I was theorizing (though it didn't make it into the episode writeup) that maybe this season would take the theme of "getting the basics right" and run with it, and a couple things Gail says makes me wonder even more. Of course, she could just be making the same sort of point Tom was in the episode about needing to know the basics as a foundation for the variants, but one could hope.

Gail drops an interesting tidbit: Richard bought mayonnaise, but still took time to teach Andrew how to make it, and offered to share his store-bought. I think I'm still liking Richard, how about y'all?

Ted Allen (A+)

Ted, I'm so with you. The fauxhawk is over, and marmite on pizza is foul.

Ted's rundown of the various approaches to the pizza-making is so good, I want to quote it in its entirity:

It was interesting how differently the chefs approached this deep-dish challenge. I had to suppress a gag reflex when The Dude From That 70s Show, aka. Mark, announced he was making a pizza with Marmite (!?!), an inexplicable favorite in New Zealand. (Marmite, if you’ve never had the pleasure, is about as appetizing as the heartworm medicine a dog licks off your finger.) Then, you had the straightforward approach, via Erik’s mushrooms and sausage, and Nimma’s wild-mushroom mélange. You had the bold and the brave: Dale’s pickled kohlrabi, Stephanie’s melon-tomato sauce, and Richard’s peaches. And, then, you had Nikki, opening the door to the New York-style versus Chicago-style debate that no doubt will continue here, making a crust that was three inches deep. Heh. Heh. That’s good food television (if not good pizza-craft).

As I said, I won't engage in a religious war about pizza types, but since deep dish is such its own variant, I'd like to think even New Yorkers could appreciate it (my ex did).

Ted confirms something for me, too. When they first said they were having the chefs move in to the house they delivered to, I thought: where downtown* did they find something with 4 (or more) bedrooms? Then I took at look at the roof patio and said "Ahh, they went north". I wasn't positive it was Lincoln Park, but it seemed likely, and Ted says that's indeed where they are. It's a nice area, they should enjoy it.

Huh, Ted also has a different take on the mayonnaise thing, noting that Richard refused at first to share his mayo and not mentioning (maybe not knowing about?) the tutoring... hrm... well, I guess I can subtract .5 Cool Points from Richard if that's true.

Ted, your blog remains one of my favorite. I'm looking forward to an episode with you as a judge!

[*Pizzeria Uno has several locations, but I was pretty sure they were at the one downtown, though it occurs to me I don't know where the actual cooking location is. But I had thought they were still at least near-downtown. Not that Lincoln Park isn't. Near. Downtown. Anyhow.]

Rocco DiSpirito (B-)

Rocco's got an interesting little story about the history of pizza in his blog this week.

I'm going to not comment on his commentary on Chicago pizza, because I already said I wouldn't get into religious wars here, but a quick note: That crust he's dissing is, in my opinion, the perfect balance between the thin of NY style pizza and the thick of Sicilian, and I don't understand why he thinks it's heavy unless he's conflating it with the deep dish... and for the rest, see my Episode 1 QF notes.

Anyhow.

The rest of the blog goes over highlights of food, as one would hope the blogs do, and there's a couple more things of note:

First, Rocco is right... Nimma needs to understand her food is being judged on its merits, only. "Nice" isn't really the point. I know that isn't quite what he said, but close enough.

Second... Rocco mentions hollandaise is tricky. So true, it's why I don't think I could do an eggs benedict. But it's also one of the classic sauces (which he also mentions), so yes, a chef should know how to make it.

Third... Rocco shares my opinion that Ryan was way too defensive.

So, all in all I think I can forgive him on the pizza thing, because the comments he makes about the actual food seem pretty good.

(But, seriously, Rocco: the crust is too heavy? Go order some pizza from Aiello's on Elston, okay? Not deep dish. Thin crust. If I think of a good, still open deep dish place I'll let you know.)

Lee Anne Wong (A+)

Hrm. Lee Anne makes an interesting point about Zoi and Jennifer both being cast though they're dating: it's hard to narrow down your possible contestants to a group where no one knows each other. On the other hand, there's a far cry between "knowing each other" (Elia and Marcel) and, well, knowing each other... but anyhow, enough on that topic.

Another New Yorker who likes her NY pizza, at least she doesn't harp on it. (Though I have to say I have a hard time believing she learned to make 'fantastic' deep dish pizza from Pizzeria Uno, but I've already mentioned I think they're substandard, so I'll shut up about it now.)

Lee Anne, like Ted Allen, is always one of my favorites because her commentary tends to be spot on. This time is no different. Plus it's funny seeing her mention the Top Chef Drinking Game.

I love that all the chefs concede soufflé is really the tough dish to draw of the eight, but I love even more Lee Anne's response: "I wanted to give them both a hug for getting stuck with the soufflé."

And she, too, makes the point that Nimma needs a thicker skin.

Harold Dieterle (A-)

Harold also talks about pizza, and shares what he'd like to put on one.

Then he goes on to note something I actually almost missed: the chefs this year were allowed to bring their own ingredients (Mark's marmite), but his season wasn't. He says he'd have brought some "sexy" olive oil (Harold, don't make me take Cool Points for Buzzword Bingo) and specialty Thai ingredients (oh, that's much better).

And Harold is in the "soufflé is tricky" crowd, and notes something else which I didn't think of at the time, too: having to serve it last when it was all cooked at the same time is horrible timing to deal with. (Even a perfect soufflé deflates over time.)

And he covers the up and downsides of Jennifer and Zoi's attachment.

You know, for someone who tends to put out a shorter blog, Harold's really pretty good at hitting the major points of interest.

Casey Thompson (B)

One of our two Season 3 chef bloggers (Season 2 is conspicuously absent this year, hrm).

Casey gives us a bit of an insider's look at that first day, and notes that the chefs really need to pay attention to their first meetup location because it'll probably inform the Quickfire.

Though she doesn't name names, she notes she saw someone who reminded her of Hung, heh. Good rundown of the pizza part of the day (and another mention for that "ingredients from home" allowance).

Dale Levitski (B-)

Our other Season 3 blogger, and the hometown boy. He opens with quick highlights of his memories from Season 3.

His notes on the pizza: they got it easy, especially with the pre-made dough, and it's shameful the Chicagoans in the group were in the bottom. (I didn't even think of that!)

He goes on to opine the classic dishes were easy (except the soufflé, which was "mean") but liked the structure of the challenge.

Oh, hey, turns out Dale worked with Stephanie for a while. Small world. He says "she kinda rocks" and that her nervousness was out of character.

Overall he thinks the chefs look good and thinks the women are the ones to watch.

And Dale, hon, please... some better punctuation next time? Kthx, love ya.

---

And that wraps it up for what's available. Interestingly, there's a "Zoi & Jennifer" blog (empty), which... well, I'm still not sure how I feel about a dating pair being in the same competition, but trust Bravo to make the most of it. Also empty, the Team Top Chef blog, which I presume will be production staff of some sort.

Overall the quality of the official blogs is as high as ever (except Tom's, which seemed a bit of a phone in this week... a shame as usually I enjoy, even if I don't agree with, his remarks). So if you aren't already reading them, take a look. (Continue reading...)

TC Season 4, Episode 1 Elimination Challenge

Round 2: FIGHT!

So, they put Rocco DiSpirito and Anthony Bourdain at the same judges' table and no one died? I'm kinda impressed.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It's morning in the Top Chef kitchen (I think, but it's not like you can tell) and Padma is waiting by a blank chalkboard as the chefs come in to the usual "Elimination Challenge Announcement" music, and incidentally, while I love the opening credits and would never change that song, could they at least vary the episodic music a little, maybe, huh? Well, I suppose it does serve as a useful cue. If you're not watching. Which I am. So...

Anyhow.

The contestants on the winning team are instructed to draw knives, and I fear it's going to be a team challenge, but thankfully, they've actually chosen to do something cool: a head-to-head challenge. The winners pick from the losers' pool in the order of the numbers on their knives. The loser picks a dish from the board (more on that in a moment). They both cook their interpretation of it. And out of each pair, one person is safe, and the other could potentially go home.

Nice. Very nice.

So, the list is eight "classic" dishes: lasagna, duck a la orange [sic], crab cakes, chicken piccata, eggs benedict, steak au poivre, shrimp scampi, soufflé.

Me and all 16 chefs immediately think (and, in one case, articulate): OMGWTFSOUFFLÉYOUBASTARDS???

I go on to think: what the hell is chicken piccata? Steak au poivre, should I know what that is? Oh, hell, what are the ingredients in shrimp scampi... I would be so dead in this challenge.

Then I remember that no force on this Earth could get me to participate in a cookoff with a serious time limit, and so it doesn't matter.

Richard picks first, and chooses Andrew, who immediately reminds us that Richard BLEEPED him in the Quickfire (I'd pay extra to see that) and so obviously it's fate, balls-to-balls, whatever. Andrew picks crab cakes, one of the two things on the list I'd be completely comfortable making, which is probably a good sign it's one of the two easiest dishes.

Mark picks Stephanie, looking like he's thinking "I have no idea, I'm just trying to remember someone's name"; she picks duck a l'orange. I probably could fake this, but it's definitely not the easiest choice left on the board.

Then they started going too fast for me to follow the order. I got the pairs sorted out later but not who picked first (though I remember who picked last, hehe). So, our other matchups are:

Jennifer vs Nikki: Lasagna. The other dish I'd identify as easy, though to be fair, it's actually not that hard to screw up lasagna. On the other hand, compared to some of the other dishes...

Antonia vs Nimma: Shrimp Scampi. I can't do this one without a recipe handy, myself, but then, I'm not a professional.

Spike vs Lisa: Eggs Benedict. This one I consider tricky, not so much for the other ingredients, but because of having to make a good hollandaise sauce. That latter bit would kill me, and if the sauce isn't good, the dish isn't right, so it's kinda important.

Dale vs Manuel: Steak au poivre, which it turns out I do know, only when I've eaten it it's been "peppercorn steak". I could probably manage a decent one, but it's not a gimme by any means.

Ryan vs Valerie: Chicken picatta. Seriously, I honestly had no clue what this was until I looked it up... and then realized I'd had it, and just forgotten the name, probably because there are about 1000 dishes named "Chicken Something-A". Anyhow, I obviously would've failed on this since I didn't know what was in it (unless I could ask someone or copy off my lab partner's test).

And that leaves soufflé, which Erik and Zoi are stuck with. Now, though some people might feel it's exaggerated to note that soufflé will fall if you just look at it funny, it really is tricky to work with, and if on top of that you haven't made one in about a million years, well... all I can say is that I'm sympathetic, and even the judges were sympathetic.

My first note on cooking is, and I quote: "Nimma, you cannot marinate in a solid. Therefore you cannot marinate something 'in' parsley." I presume she meant "with" parsley. Maybe with some "amazing" olive oil, I don't know.

Ryan was clearly, from the get-go, trying way too hard and over-thinking. He seemed to recognize it later in private interviews. Maybe.

Nikki, of course, has to remind us she's Italian and therefore she has to make fresh pasta dough. She says this as if she's discussing making something terribly intricate that no one else has ever done. I am not really taking to Nikki, can you tell?

Mark gets best line of the episode: "No, we just say 'orange', mate." Heh. Despite this, he's working on a deconstructed dish, so I think he knows what he's doing, at least in theory.

Erik and Zoi are both very happy their soufflés are rising. Heck, Zoi seems as happy about her rival's soufflé as her own. I smile fondly at both of them. (And seriously, what sadist included that one? I mean... oh, never mind.)

Nimma is wandering around muttering about her flan not setting. I write after this note "go home". She decides to turn it into a "nice cauliflower scramble". I boggle at this juxtaposition of terms.

Richard... Richard has a minismoker. Heh, heh, heh, mad scientist. He gets one of the better sound bytes with: "I want some people to be like 'What the [beep] did that guy just do?'" I love him immensely for this attitude, because it seems so different than the whole "Molecular gastronomy is better than you all and you shall worship it" vibe we may have seen in the past.

Food and judgement time!

Mark and Stephanie present their duck sorta orange. Mark's uses dashi-steeped enoki, squash puree, roasted duck with tangerine and soy, and something he calls a saketini. I... um. Well, indvidually they sound interesting (except the saketini) but I'm not sure what he's doing exactly. Neither are the judges. Stephanie has seared duck with miatake mushrooms, bok choy, a duck leg spring roll, and a reduction sauce with orange glaze. The judges like this far better; Bourdain actually compliments her and then repeats it, which she's amazed and relieved at. Stephanie is safe, Mark is on the losers' list.

Andrew and Richard present their crab cakes. Andrew tries to explain how he left in a big lump in the middle, and the image this brings up isn't pleasant. Also, what the heck is cilantro basil 'pudding'? I'm not objecting to the cilantro-basil part, just the pudding part. Richard does something involving apples and brussel sprouts and mustard, which I'm sorry but that sounds hideous, and has his smoke flavor. The judges like his dish better.

Andrew then runs his mouth, with a few bleeps for fun's sake. Richard says he never wants to cook a crab cake again. I don't know why; they're yummy. Well, my way. Maybe not his.

Nikki: says something about sheep's milk gouda, which is about all I catch. The judges think her fresh pasta is superb. I... sure, okay. Jennifer says she went northern Italian with autumn veggies and a bunch of other stuff... it sounds fairly good until the judges mention that the rutabaga (and maybe some other things) are undercooked, and I wonder how she managed that in a baked dish. Anyhow, Nikki wins, I think probably deservedly so, even if I don't like her and she immediately scores a Buzzword Bingo point when she says she "put her heart into it", and also, keep your organs out of the dinner, okay?

Antonia's shrimp scampi merits multiple "mmm"s from Rocco, and possibly from other judges. Nimma talks about her parsley butter and her cauliflower scramble. I think Antonia was winning no matter what, but Nimma apparently oversalted to the point of disgust, so that clinches it.

At this point, I note that Bourdain seems to be acting awfully nicely compared to usual. No worries, there's still some snark in him.

'Spike' and Lisa present their eggs benedict, and all I caught was that Spike's had bacon and mushrooms and Lisa may have used challa bread. Bourdain asks his fellow judges to decide the issue based on which is the better hangover dish, and I laugh because I've heard people claim that Eggs Benedict is a great hangover dish and I've always thought that was so weird... but anyhow, Lisa wins, but only just.

Dale's steak au poivre involves parsley puree and bok choy. Manuel's involves mushroom ceviche, scallions, and cilantro, because he wanted to incorporate Mexican flavors. Somehow, though, this turns into "Dale took chances" (presumably meaning Manuel didn't, which seems untrue) so he comes out on top, phrasing chosen judiciously.

Ryan starts going on so fast about what's in his dish that I only catch something about cutlets, lemon-potato gnocchi (as opposed to those non-potato gnocchi, I suppose), and marscapone. I've recently looked up what's in chicken picatta and I'm pretty sure he made something else. Valerie did something with orange "instead of lemon", so at least she seems to have remembered more of what was in it, but both of them take some heat for not making picatta. Ryan has apparently committed the cardinal sin of using bread-crumbs instead of just flour and egg. Rocco wants to know where his "lovely acidic butter sauce" is in both dishes. Valerie is grudgingly accorded the winner.

Ryan immediately starts saying he hates that people will now think he's a flop, and my reaction is "Okay, you're a flop, shut up."

Erik's soufflé is savory, involving pepperjack cheese (which I typo in my notes), avocado (which I typo in my notes), creme fraiche (which I spell correctly in my notes, heh), black bean sauce, salsa... it's not a bad combo of flavors, but I think it's a bit much. Zoi does a sweet rice pudding soufflé with candied figs and fennel, and espresso on the side. Bourdain hesitates, apparently in his Nice phase, and asks almost gently if either of them have ever made soufflé before. The judges agree it's messy, concede it's a tough dish, Tom likes Zoi's flavors, they all agree neither was really good as a soufflé, Zoi wins.

Erik says "okay" when this news is delivered, and then interviews that he's not happy with himself. Thank you for not blaming the judges or the other contestants, Erik. +10 Cool Points.

At this point, I predict that either Richard or Stephanie will win, and while I was spoiled by Bravo about the loser, I would have predicted Nimma and Ryan in the bottom without knowing anything, too.

First called in: Antonia, Nikki, Richard, and Stephanie. This is clearly the winning group based on the judges' comments, and I'm pleased it includes my guesses. Tom says all four dishes were wonderful. Rocco picks Stephanie, who smiles the biggest smile I think we've ever seen on a cheftestant. Bourdain calls her dish impressive, and I wonder if they secretly made a Bourdain robot with a niceness circuit. They don't show any other comments.

The bottom group is: Ryan, Erik, Nimma, and Mark. I was honestly a little surprised about Mark.

As the chefs walk in, Rocco is looking very dispiritoed. Er. I mean, glum and disappointed.

Erik's soufflé gets the same basic comments, with some added detail. Erik says "I made glorified nachos. I'm not proud of it." +10 Cool Points. Again. I am always so happy when the chefs are willing to admit they screwed something up.

Nimma: Tom asks if her cauliflower scramble started life as a flan, and apparently agrees with me that if she can't make flan she might not have the skills to be a top chef. Nimma makes a long list of excuses, but eventually concedes she showed some bad judgement.

Bourdain calls Mark's dish "silly and pretentious" (the niceness circuit must have malfunctioned) in response to Mark explaining how he wanted to deconstruct the dish. I have to admit that Mark is not someone I would've pegged for being about the deconstructing... I think I was imagining something a bit more intuitive for him. Anyhow, they're milder on him than on Nimma.

Ryan begins trying to explain, again so fast and so much that he baffles Tom. Stop overexplaining, Ryan. Shut up. Tom brings up the breadcrumbs again, pointing out that what Ryan made was more a chicken milanese than a chicken picatta because bread crumbs are the difference. (I expect there was more to it than that, but okay.) What struck me is how Ryan was talking about reducing the starch while Tom was mentioning how bread crumbs weren't even part of the dish.... anyhow. Eventually, Ryan shut up.

Tom says, and I mostly agree, that these are classic dishes that everyone needs to know, because if you don't know what the classics are, you can't understand modern food, either.

After sending the contestants out, the judges confer.

On Ryan: Bourdain says he didn't know what was coming out of his (Ryan's) mouth, and yeah, I agree. Rocco says "Let's just say it wasn't only his gnocchi which were dense", and I suddenly wonder if Rocco and Bourdain swapped brains, or what.

The rest of the dishes seem to get badly panned, too, but to be honest, the editing was so choppy I wasn't sure about most of the specifics. They wanted to cut Erik some slack on the soufflé, all agreeing it's not an easy dish, but they didn't like his ingredient choices. Mark's dish was 'weak' and the saketini sucked.

Back in with the contestants. Tom tells Ryan that he needs to know the classics, Mark that what he made wasn't really duck a l'orange and nothing worked together, Nimma that flan is simple and it didn't work, plus too much salt, and Erik basically what they said privately, adding that he needs to know how to make a soufflé.

And... Nimma's out. And to be honest, I'm kinda glad, because she was clearly not going to last long no matter what, and considering how badly she reacts to criticism, I think she's better off not being on Top Chef. She says in her exit interview she needs to just keep studying and trying, and to that I add: learn to take criticism, because you are going to get it.

So... let's talk a moment about editing. I realize that at the start, when there's the most contestants, that it's really tough to get a bit of everyone in, but this episode seemed unusually choppy even for a first episode. The winners' table got almost zero commentary, we only saw maybe half the contestants coming in and learned almost nothing about the rest before moving to the quickfire (not even name plates on a quick shot), and... it just seemed very confusing. I do wish they'd plan better for this in the future (if there is a future, and no, not predicting, but shows do come and go)... at least give us a quick photo and name plate for everyone (maybe with home restaurant) and also give us a full list of quickfire and elimination dishes. And if they can't fit that in, then the site should have far more details about the dishes than they do, since at least in theory this is a show about cooking.

In theory this should smooth out as they have fewer people to concentrate on, though. Let's hope. (Continue reading...)