Top Chef, "The Elements"

Top Chef, Season 4, Episode 5: "The Elements"

Finally, let's finish catching up with episode 5, only posted a day or two later than I meant to in the first place. Yay!

Morning dawns. People do pushups. People eat chocolate. Shut up, Zoi—erm, I mean, Zoi continues to complain how the results of episode 4 weren't fair. Which... they were, so, shut up, Zoi.

Guest judge Ming Tsai, who I'm not terribly fond of but can live with, is announced by Padma. We are told the amazing information that if one's palate isn't trained, one can't tell what tastes good. I never knew that. In the sense that I didn't know that water was wet.

Anyhow, it's time for this season's blind taste testing. Padma looks entirely too pleased to be pulling out the blindfold. Antonia tells us that she has been looking forward to this as its always her favorite challenge. I'm pleased at least one person has definitely watched the show, and suddenly move her way higher on the potential winners list.

The details this time around: the blindfolded chefs will be given two dishes of the same ingredient in different qualities. The chefs must identify the higher-quality version of the ingredient.

Ryan tells us that he's going to set the pace. I scoff, but when I hear his commentary on how to tell the better-quality from the lower-quality items, I realize that for once, he may know what he's talking about. As he more-or-less correctly informs us, the low-end quality items are more likely to be high in salt, sugar, or fat, as those are common in mass-produced items.

The chefs all have water to clear their mouths between tastings. Antonia goes one further, not only clearing between items but being very careful to taste with separate fingers. I would laugh if she ended up on the bottom, but honestly I expect she won't.

Lisa informs us it's easier without the blindfold, another nugget of "Duh" for the viewers.

Dale is glad he got the Asian ingredients right, but kicks himself over the caviar because he's such an afficiando of it. Me, I'm not surprised. I personally feel all caviar basically tastes the same, but then, my experience with it is minimal, being that I don't really like it much.

In the end, Stephanie is the worst, with only 6 of 15 correct. She knew she did badly, and tells us she's never good at Quickfires. She does not say that on the other hand she tends to do well in the Elimination Challenges, but I do note that, of course, she does. She is actually my favorite at the moment and I hope she at least makes the finale, and would like to see her win. But I sympathize with her feelings about Quickfires, since they would probably kill me if I tried.

Runners-up: a tie between Ryan and Jen (with 11 of 15). I guess Ryan is good at something. Zoi interviews that she's annoyed Jen did better than her. Bitch. Also, shut up, Zoi.

The winner is Antonia, with 12 of 15. I'm pleased, because I think it's nice to see a cheftestant who is clued into the process do well. While ultimately I still like to think the series is mostly about who is a good chef, the fact is, they do play a few games, and seeing someone game the games is funny. I'm kinda curious which ingredients she missed, too, but alas, they don't tell us this. This would be a great addition to the official site (detailed results in general, not just this particular Quickfire), but I'm not holding my breath they're going to include anything useful like that.

Elimination Challenge: The Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball (say that ten times fast) is going to be catered by local chefs... but only the second through fourth courses. First course will be the responsibility of the the cheftestants.

We are reminded again that taste comes from your palate. I roll my eyes.

The theme of the first course is going to be the elements: earth, water, fire, and air. I'm glad they're going with the Western ones, because I'd be scared if the chefs had to tackle Metal or Wood.

And out comes the dreaded knifeblock. Once teams are drawn, they have a mere 15 minutes to plan, which seems kinda rushed for a team challenge. In retrospect, especially given the trend of judges' table comments this year, I can't help but wonder if they were trying to force some drama. I don't know.

Also... while I really want them to get to individual challenges and get away from catering, I have to say that a challenge based around the elements is damn cool. Along with the Seven Deadly Sins challenge from Season 2 (and the accompanying colour-based Quickfire), this challenge and episode 4's "Film Food" are probably my favorites, because I love that sort of broad creative theme. Not to say I haven't liked some of the other challenges, but stuff like this is just plain neat.

Anyhow. While they plan, we get to confirm who is on what team.

Team Water is: Mark, Andrew, and Richard. I begin to wonder if there's some sort of conspiracy hooking up Andrew and Richard. I also begin to wonder if they're going to do salmon and faux caviar for every dish they work on together.

Team Air is: Jen, Ryan, and Nikki. I am still not sure how I feel about Jennifer, but I can tell you I'm not fond of or impressed by Ryan and Nikki, so I'm kinda inclined to be sympathetic she's stuck with them. But at least she doesn't have Spike. Anyhow, for 'air', apparently they're going to do something birdlike. Which... I guess works.

Team Earth: Spike (spit), Antonia, and Zoi. Spike wants to do a boring soup. (Note I'm not objecting to him wanting to do soup. I'm objecting to the fact that Butternut Squash Soup is so done at this point that I am done with it without even having had any, ever.) Zoi is good with this, but Antonia doesn't feel it's the right choice and argues hard against it, suggesting a carpaccio dish. I can't remember now if she's the one who wanted mushrooms, but whomever suggested it is at least thinking right.

Spike gets in her face a LOT about how since she has immunity she shouldn't be making decisions. I flash back to Casey having immunity and having people be upset that she was taking a back seat because of it, and this just emphasizes for me that people with immunity are sort of in a weird place on a team. If they participate fully, people bitch. If they let others control things, people bitch. Wah wah wah. But, eventually Spike gives up on the soup, doesn't bother suggesting anything else, and bitches to us some more. Shut up, Spike.

Team Fire: Dale, Stephanie, and Lisa. Dale gives us his "thought process" about "fire, devil, deviled eggs" after suggesting it. While it's not an entirely stupid idea, it's not enough for a first course, so Lisa is probably right to object at least in part. More on this in a little bit. Dale interviews that Lisa is a negative person, which I think many of us have noticed. She always seems to be frowning or upset. But he's a bit of an ass about it.

Bravo breaks for commercials, advertising their own shows for the 325th time since I turned the episode on.

Shopping. The budget is $500 for each team. I believe they said something about having 80 guests. If that's right, they're getting about $6.25 a person, which probably isn't horrible for a first course, except of course, they're shopping at Whole Foods. (Okay, look. I actually do like Whole Foods. But seriously, I never will buy meat there again. They're great for organic stuff in general, though.)

Lisa tells us that because the judge is Ming Tsai, she really, really, really wants to do Asian to show off to him, and I mean, really, don't you think he's had enough Asian? I put "Shut up, Lisa" in my notes, because she sort of annoys me as she relates this.

Spike shows us Yet Another Hat as he uses a sarcastic "just slightly" for at least the second time (first time about Jen and Zoi, this time about Antonia's immunity and how she should shut up). I note that he thinks his options are basically strangling someone or taking a back seat. I think Spike may have issues with women. He definitely has troubles with black-and-white thinking.

Lisa asks her teammates if she can vocalize something. Vocalizing something in the process, since one has to vocalize to ask a question. Sorry, but I hate that term. Also, I hate when people say "Can I give you my opinion?" and stuff like it. Just say "Hey, guys, I need you to know I feel" whatever. Which she does. At length.

Now, I'm not saying she's wrong here. In fact, honestly, after certain other cheftestants' behavior when it comes to not believing in the food, to see someone insist they feel their team is doing the wrong thing is a nice change. But honestly, she comes off so annoying here. I may be being a little unfair, because she does have the right to object and to be heard, but... it's just about how fervent she is, I guess. I don't know.

Stephanie continues to win points with me by interviewing that her goal was to get Lisa on board with the team's dish, and managing to push that along by making alternate suggestions and getting Dale to agree. I strongly suspect that Stephanie's employees would love her, and am beginning to hope she leads the Restaurant Wars team when that horrible occasion occurs, although I'm a little scared it'd set her up for going home if things went wrong. So, anyhow, they decide on a spicy shrimp, which Dale is actually behind because he's got this great chili salad idea, and Lisa is much happier with, and finally get to the real shopping.

Meanwhile, Richard is buying watercress. Because he's part of Team Water. Um. Yeah. Also, of course, they're cooking their fish in water. Which is probably not a horrible idea. Yet.

Spike is still whining about the soup. Shut up, Spike. You agreed to go with another idea, you're shopping for it, it's over. Shut up. I can't believe you don't shut up!

But back to Richard. Richard is going to sous vide the salmon. Of course he is. Sigh. I mean, nothing against sous vide, but really, could you go one round without the mad science? Maybe. Also, you can't "orchestrate" salad, unless it's going to be a scary Symphony Salad. Also, you aren't the executive chef. So, shut up, Richard. And buy some hair gel. Your fauxhawk is drooping.

Lisa, meanwhile, is telling us about her special bacon, which apparently she's baking and using a pan to flatten. Which, um. I've been baking and broiling bacon since, um, a really long time ago, and while I haven't personally done the flattening thing, I have heard of other people doing it. I concede it's a good idea, but I'm feeling a little like she's touting her super-creativity a bit more than is warranted. Also, I swear at this point she said something about turning bacon into miso, and was confused as to how that would work, though it will turn out later she's just using miso in the preparation. At the time I wondered if that wouldn't just make it super-salty.

Team Air is doing duck. We don't see a lot of that, because it's much more interesting to show us Dale bitching about Lisa, who he says is bitching about everything. Indeed, in the clips shown, she's definitely got her dander up, down to and including bitching about how the bacon is somehow too thick, which, um, it looked like regular sliced bacon to me. On the other hand, bitching about someone bitching... um. Is what I do for a hobby, so I'll shut up.

Shut up, Spike. You're a two-faced liar. You aren't enjoying working with those women. Also, one of them's gay.

Shut up, Tom. No reason. Just shut up.

Shut up, Richard. You have no charm. You've said so yourself. You turn out to be right. Although that look on Tom's face was almost worth the bad jokes. I don't always like Colicchio but some of the faces he pulls are funny.

Shut up again, Tom. Pre-emptively. Before you do your usual dish dis.

Shut up, commercials. I revoke your right to say "reimagine".

Shut up... oh. I'm out of shut ups.

Back from commercial. Andrew is worried about scales that Richard found. Richard says he's going to double-check the salmon is clear of scales. Please note this for later. Also, for some bizarre reason, Richard doesn't want to plate until the last minute, and I agree with whichever person said he's probably never had to plate for 80 people before.

Team Water goes out. Sous vide salmon. Tapioca pearls. Yawn. Parsnip puree. I think whether or not I'd like that would depend wholly on seasoning. Watercress salad. Eh.

Ming Tsai finds scales. The number he says is 4 or 5. Then it becomes more. At judges' table, it will increase again. Tom notes that "some things aren't good sous vide". The salmon did not come out well, texture-wise. No one's impressed.

Team Fire: Spicy grilled shrimp with chili salad and the famous bacon. Padma thinks it's terrific. There's a small debate about whether or not it's too spicy for a first dish, but for the most part people (including random guests) seem to think it worked.

Team Air: Duck breast, Citrus Salad, Pomegranate Prosecco Aperitif. They didn't render the skin on the duck. Ew. Tom is sick of little drinks being served with meals. Me, too! Ming Tsai notes he likes them with dessert, with the obvious implication that with a regular course, not so much. Yeah.

Team Earth: Carpaccio with Mushroom Salad and Sunchoke Aioli. Now, this isn't a bad idea. Mushrooms and Sunchokes are decidedly earthy, and rare/raw meat certainly leans that way. In fact, Gail notes that she likes the theme. However, taste-wise is another matter. It's bland and the rosemary was a bad choice. (I... I don't know. I really like rosemary, but I concede it may not be the earthiest flavor in the world.) Spike reminds us he wasn't behind the dish. Shut up, Spike. A random guest says they think someone on Earth's going home. Ouch. (Send Spike! Please? Yeah, I know, wishful thinking... he's going to point the fingers elsewhere, we all know this.)

Judge discussion. Padma and Gail love the shrimp. It's their favorite. Go, Team Fire! Ming Tsai really enjoyed it as well. Tom loved the bacon. I guess the miso didn't make it feel salty. So, cool on Lisa. Really, I do like the method she used. My complaint was her going on and on about how special she/it was. I may have to try weighting the bacon next time I buy some.

The judges universally agree the scales and the sous vide between them killed the Team Water dish.

Tom didn't get the duck dish for Team Air. Gail liked the salad, though.

Team Earth was also not liked, because the food was significantly underseasoned. Tom uses the term "Cooking 101". I book a flight to go shoot him. So sick of that term.

Mark (Team Water) thinks they're going to get their asses handed to them. Richard says he wasn't happy with the execution.

Pre-table stew room. Mark isn't ready to go home. Duh. Richard still thinks sous vide was the right choice. Despite just saying that he wasn't happy with the execution. Padma's dress has a lot of ruching, and she wants Team Fire.

Winners' table. Yay, Team Fire! Dale hugs Stephanie and Lisa. I'm impressed. I'm more impressed by the fact that Lisa apparently knows how to smile. The miso-bacon dish is praised. The prize for the winner is announced: a trip for two to Italy. Nice. Stephanie explains her dish. She used sambal. Yum! Lisa is declared the winner for doing a "new technique". ARGH. Okay, I'm over it. Lisa's interview basically seems to be "Asian, Asian, Asian" repeated a hundred times. I want to tell her to shut up, but she's so happy, I can't. Dale is all upset because she "just made bacon". Which... on the one hand, sure. On the other hand, all he did was make a chili salad. What got her the win was her choice of ingredients combined with the cooking style, just like any other dish. Shut up, Dale. Be bitter quietly.

BTW, I have to say I really, really want to make this dish. Now that I've seen the ingredients, I even think the bacon is probably a lot more to my taste than I thought originally... plenty of sweet to help balance out the salty. It'd take having some extra money for ingredients I don't normally keep on hand, but I've been meaning to get some miso anyhow, and the dish really does sound spectacular. First dish this season I've felt this strongly about, so, really, again: go, Team Fire!

Bad news time for someone on Team Earth or Team Water. I guess Team Air was superior to them. Sad, but given comments, not unexpected.

Padma starts with Team Water. Richard lies his face off about the scales. Padma asks if Richard was happy with the texture of the fish. He says yes. Tom does not at all feel it was good. Tom also wants to know what the "reason" for the parsnip puree was for. Mark takes a while to come up with an answer (it's kinda a stupid question, so I don't blame him), but Tom is all dismissive. Whatever.

Team Earth: Antonia says she likes their dish. Tom and Ming Tsai say it was severely underseasoned. Zoi... oh, I can barely write this. It's so... lame. She says that maybe in their attempt to not overpower the ingredients, they overcompensated. Stop explaining, Zoi. Gail notes there was too much rosemary. Spike says he wanted lemon. Why didn't he add it, then? Spike goes on to blah blah blah Antonia immunity shut up, Spike.

And he just keeps talking. Should have have made soup, blah blah. Judges would have loved to see a soup. Shut up, judges. You agreed the concept was fine (except Tom, apparently), so, shut up. Spike says he's too nice and lets other people make decisions instead of being an asshole. Again with the black and white dichotomy, like there's no other way between them. An asshole is him.

Deliberation. Ming Tsai uses the "Cooking 101" phrase and I add to my flight. No one liked the texture on the salmon. The lowest score was, however, the Carpaccio. So is it going to be Zoi or Spike going home? Spike should've tried harder to be heard. Zoi did a bad job with the mushrooms. Tom wants to send both of them home. Frankly, at this point, if that's what it'll take to get rid of Spike, I'm all for it.

Judges' table "reconvenes", and Padma does an obvious voice-over.

Team Water had a dish that sounded good but didn't work out. Team Earth wasn't Earthy enough. He says. Even though Gail said the concept was great and the problems they originally noted were about seasoning. I hate him so much for that moment. Dumb-ass. Anyhow, the upshot is, the judges agree with the diners that Team Earth had the worse dish. Zoi loses. Spike's assholity wins another week. At this point, I am hoping he stays until the end so that someone can stab him to death on national TV.

Zoi says she wanted to cook, not compete. Um. Okay. Then you're on the wrong show. And, honestly, I should say something here I said elsewhere: I don't think Zoi is necessarily a bad chef. We didn't see much interesting out of her, granted, so I can't really know, but honestly, I got the feeling that the issue wasn't one of talent or ability. What I believe, especially in light of that comment, is that she is the type of person who does far better with planning than improvising. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the kiss of death for the show, of course, but it doesn't say anything about talent one way or another.

Back where the chefs are waiting, Jen hears Zoi say she's the one going home and isn't sure it's not a joke. Zoi is doing a pretty good job of not crying, though you can tell she kinda wants to. She and Dale say goodbye. Jen hangs on her and kisses her. Zoi leaves to applause. Jen is, of course, upset. And this, this is why I wasn't sure it was a good idea to let an involved couple on the show... because barring them both blowing the competition out of the water, this was inevitable. As hard as it might be to have someone go home you respect and have started to get to know and like, as hard even as seeing a friendly face (someone you've worked with or known for a while) go home, seeing one's lover leave, especially if one believes in them, has to be so much worse. I know they probably can't totally avoid chefs who know one another, but... I hope they don't do something like this again.

In the wake of Zoi leaving, Spike immediately tears into Antonia. Spike thinks it's heinous that someone with immunity would dare perform as if they didn't have it. Fuck you, Spike. Antonia keeps saying "Stand behind your dish", which... I get the point, I guess, but it comes off bad when it's all she says. Spike blah blah blah blah not fair not fair whiny little baby. Jen gets upset. Spike gets in Jen's face. Lisa says something which interviews have since confirmed was meant to be calming things down, but it doesn't. Dale turns into a gangsta, with the big gestures and crotch-grabbing, and if it had happened in another context I probably would find this hilarious, but things are way too intense over there and I pretty much just say "WTF?" At the end, Jen is so pissed off, she kicks a chair across the room. I'm just glad she didn't kick one of the contestants, although if she was going to, it probably would've been Spike... so...

...naah. I don't want her going home for that reason.

Okay. So. Caught up, I am. Next time? I have no idea. I could go watch a preview, but I probably still wouldn't know.