Top Chef, "Film Food"

Top Chef Season 4, Episode 4: "Film Food"

Oh, it's never a good sign when in the show's opening minutes, a cheftestant is talking about how he misses his family...

Heh, I have "Shut up, Spike" in my notes and I don't even know why.

Anyhow, the guest judge is Daniel Boulud, who we're all supposed to have heard of. Since I am not a professional, I will assume it's okay I don't know much about him. Anyhow, the Quickfire is all about technique, and the chefs are to create a "vegetable plate" using fresh vegetables and pantry items, showcasing at least three "techniques". I, of course, have no idea what "demonstrating techniques" is really supposed to mean... I assume that knife work is only one of them, and since various people go on to do types of cooking methods and such, I guess I'm right.

We get the usual "but I'm not classically trained" stuff out of about a third of the chefs, which I sort of get, because the mindset and approach are different even if the ability really isn't. Since apparently things like poaching and grilling count as techniques, I'm sure I probably have at least three "techniques" at my disposal, but I'd be lost figuring out what that meant if someone just threw the challenge at me. Which, again, is why I would never be caught dead as a cheftestant (or a professional).

Anyhow. End result: Boulud doesn't like Nikki's "endive boat", Lisa's combination of ingredients, or Manuel's simplicity. He does, however, like Zoi's perfect poached egg (I guess eggs are vegetables now), Dale's amazing plate (he does have him some serious knife skills), and Richard's presentation and mushrooms. He declares Dale the winner.

The prize for this Quickfire win is to be able to skip the knife drawing (groan) that the rest of the chefs engage in, and choose which team (groan) he wants to be on.

The Elimination Challenge is to do a six-course meal hosted by Richard Roeper, movie critic (and former columnist), cohosted by some actress I don't know named Aisha Tyler. Whenever I see the name Aisha I think of Neopets. The courses should be inspired by a movie. Which is actually a kinda neat idea, but now I can't help but wonder what a challenge based on Neopets food would be like. Other than disturbing.

First course is: Richard, Andrew, and (by his choice), Dale, and I already foresee this team winning. They choose Richard's suggestion of Willy Wonka, which I think is actually pretty inspired. Somehow I'm less than surprised that Richard likes Willy Wonka. Mad Scientist.

Second course: Spike & Manuel. Manuel wants to maybe do Mexican and suggests a movie Spike's never heard of. Spike counters forcefully with Vietnamese, and says they can use Good Morning, Vietnam as the movie. Which, uh. Cart before horse sorta thing, but whatever, they're not the only ones who are going to do this, see:

Third course: Jen & Nikki, who (of course) want to do Italian, and therefore pick Il Postino. I think they should've gone with The Godfather and done something with a horse's head.

Fourth Course: Ryan and Mark. Now there's a combination sure to be good for some chuckles, and yup, Ryan provides the first one by suggesting Dumb and Dumber, which to me conjures up the notion of beer and pizza—probably not a good choice. Mark has never seen it, and suggests To Kill a Mockingbird, to which Ryan responds with a blank look, but then, let's be honest, that's pretty much his default state. They back and forth a bit until Ryan has the astounding idea of doing A Christmas Story, only he can't remember the name of it even though he can describe the scene in detail. Mark shrugs. He hasn't seen it, but he gets the idea. This is already overly long, so I'm going to just say it involves having to substitute for Christmas turkey (with duck).

Fifth course: Antonia & Zoi. They want to do lamb, and specifically they want to do Spanish food, inspired by some movie called Talk to Her, which they play up as some movie about two strong, creative women, only apparently the women are in a coma for most of the movie, so, uh... whatever. They join the ranks of the "food first, movie after" crowd.

Last course: Stephanie & Lisa, who definitively do not want to do dessert, partly because they just did it last time, and partly because, well, they're smart. So they're going to do a beef and short ribs dish, which they link to some movie called Top Secret which apparently has a really funny cow costume scene or something. I don't know. Apparently I haven't seen enough movies recently.

So, basically, four of six teams have chosen meal, then movie, which irritates me a bit. Jen & Nikki redeem themselves a bit later by choosing specifically to do rustic-style Italian because of the movie, but there's not a lot of excuse for the others.

Anyhow. Time to shop at ProductLocation Placement, er, Whole Foods. Which, by the way... not a bad store, but honestly, I've never really been convinced their price:value ratio is all that good. Eh, whatever.

They get to the store, and we see a few decisions being made: The Willy Wonka team is going to do smoked salmon and faux cavier. Spike shows his true colours again by a) wanting to choose tilapia over sea bass, which I condemn him for because tilapia isn't exactly a high-end fish, it's just trendy, and b) only saying this to the cameras, not his partner, and c) obliquely calling Manuel his employee, and taking a moment to realize that he shouldn't say that. I hate Spike. Antonia discovers lamb is super-expensive (they're at Whole Foods, all the meat is overpriced IME) so they have to be very careful cutting to make sure they get enough portions. Because, you know, they can't change what they're making even enough to get chops or something.

And then there is the saga of the bird. As Mark puts it, "Just like in the movie, there was no turkey." And there's also no duck. Ultimately, they end up with quail, which he's relatively pleased about as he thinks it can be even better than duck if done well. I'm pleased, too, because duck is overused. Plus they should totally tell that story when they present the food, because it goes with the movie so well.

Later on, the chefs are in their digs, and Andrew.... Andrew is trying to imitate an Oompaloompa. Because he's INSANE. Thankfully, his teammates talk him out of doing this as part of the presentation, because they recognize he's insane, only Dale puts it as "kitschy" and Richard as "a little tongue in cheek". But you can tell they're thinking "insane".

Cooking starts. Nikki and Jen are cooking kale. I say "eww". Dale is doing the fish. Richard thinks he's a leader. Spike says "everyone knows summer rolls are made in Vietnam", which, if it's true, doesn't need to be said, so shut up, Spike. Also, he takes the time out to dis the Willy Wonka folks, so, shut up, Spike. Also, they're doing something with swiss chard, which I am very boggled by. Mark and Ryan are doing a spring roll, and I wonder if they mean a summer roll type or the fried type. The not-dessert ladies are going to be using caramel in their dish, I guess to give it the sweet-but-not-dessert feel. I have had good sweet ribs so this only sounds very slightly weird. Richard breaks out the mini-smoker again, and I'm starting to lose my fondness for his Mad Scientist shtick, because really, stop basing dishes entirely around it. The mini-smoker is apparently sick of it, too, since it stops working.

Meanwhile, the judges are entering the serving area. Padma appears to be falling out of her dress. There's a theater marquee announcing the movie inspirations in the room, which is a nice touch.

Back in the kitchen, the mini-smoker still won't work, so after a few other mishaps, they finally resort to smoking the salmon over an actual block of wood. I have no idea where they got this, but I have to admit that's pretty resourceful of them.

Presentation time.

Richard presents for Willy Wonka. They have lightly-smoked salmon, faux caviar, and chocolate wasabi sauce (the chocolate is the connection to theme, I guess). They've also included a drink, which Richard plays up as their version of the fizzy drink in the movie. It's apparently pear and celery soda which sounds... kinda bizarre. I'm kinda freaked out by the presentation of the salmon, but I'm not sure why. Tom says it's surprisingly good. Boulud likes it, other guests like it. Richard Roeper particularly likes their explanation. Ted thinks they do a good job of doing a delicate starter.

Spike presents for Good Morning, Vietnam. His summer roll is cut in thirds. It's very sloppy-looking, and to be honest, looks more like it's filled with coffee grounds than anything. It has vermicelli, green apple, and chilean sea bass (and possibly other, non-captioned things). There's some nasty-looking swiss chard thing on the plate. Boulud thinks it would've worked better without the fish. Ted says that for the budget they had, they could've gotten seafood. It's not well-liked, and Padma seems to think it's pretty obvious they picked the movie to fit the food.

Nikki presents for Il Postino and talks about the hillsides of Italy. I'm a little tired of Nikki doing pasta, but I have to admit it sounds good: tortellini with black cabbage, cheese, squash, and peppercorns. I also see some mushrooms in the picture on the Bravo site. It's a little messy and edging towards monochrome, which (probably predictably) leads Boulud to mention he doesn't like the presentation. Ted, on the other hand, defends it, as it's meant to be rustic. Tom thinks the dish is good, but not great. Richard Roeper likes it being rustic, and thinks everyone is being harsh. Ted Allen kinda says it's the judges' job to be nitpicky. Fair enough.

In the kitchen, Mark is worried his spring roll (which is the fried kind) is going to be dry, and they cobble up a sauce (I think Ryan does this). Ryan presents and tells the story of the inspiring scene, and actually does a pretty good job of selling it. There's quail breast with carrot puree and a cranberry chutney, and a spring roll using quail leg, which has some sort of sauce and which is really tiny and phallic. Padma thinks it's really delicious. Ted Allen says he has a new favorite dish. Richard Roeper comments on the story. Aisha likes the puree a lot, as does Padma.

Again to the kitchen, where Antonia is fretting about plating. I'm overjoyed to see people helping her. The presentation mentions the whole vibrant colours thing, which... well, I'll get to that in the judging segment. The dish is roasted rack of lamb with a saffron cauliflower puree, romesco, and something called gramalata that I can't get a definition for. Someone help? Anyhow, Boulud doesn't like it. Tom doesn't think it's vibrant enough, and wishes they'd gone for a chop instead of the really thin slices of lamb. See? Really, there's nothing wrong with lamb chops, folks. Aisha liked it, but it wasn't "transcendent".

Finally, Stephanie informs us that she really wants to impress Boulud, which I understand. Lisa does the presentation. They've done a NY strip and a braised short rib and apple potsticker with a reduction sauce and a tableside-applied savory caramel sauce. Boulud likes the seasoning. Tom likes it. Aisha thinks it's very original. Ted says he isn't sure about the connection to the movie but it kinda looks like he might be joking. Not sure.

At the table, the judges remain and give us their overview.

Tom thought the first course was whimsical and fun; Boulud liked the flavor combos and thought it was the most professional. Ted Allen notes it was also subtle.

Second course: Tom didn't like the "fishiness of the fish" or the garnish.

Third course: The dish was good, but the pasta was too dry. (But... it was made by the pasta queen herself! Are they... are they saying Nikki isn't as good as she thinks? (Helpful note: this was meant sarcastically.))

Fourth course: Mark and Ryan did a nice job, the dish had good colours (??) and they had a good story.

Fifth course: Tom doesn't think it matched their movie. He will continue to declare this repeatedly.

Last course: Boulud thinks they did a good job. Tom thought it was flawless.

Judges' Table.

Padma asks for the Willy Wonka (Richard, Andrew, Dale) and Top Secret (Stephanie, Lisa) teams.

Tom says both teams did a really good job with both their food and their connection to the movies.

Richard gets kudos for the chocolate wasabi sauce. Andrew gets them for the faux caviar. Lisa gets super-mega-kudos for the caramel sauce.

The winner? Team 1, specifically Richard for his execution and leadership.

Meanwhile, back in the Loser's Hotel, er, the waiting area, Spike and Zoi are both talking shit about the chocolate wasabi, which they didn't taste. They just magically know it would suck. Shut up, Spike and Zoi. I've had several types of spicy chocolate and it's usually quite good, and have they ever heard of mole sauce?

Loser teams are Good Morning, Vietnam (Spike and Manuel) and Talk to Her (Zoi and Antonia). What a surprise that the two people who dissed a dish they didn't even taste are now going to the loser's table. NOT.

Antonia says she's surprised to be in the bottom. Tom harps about the colour a lot and wasn't sold. Padma likes the explanation they give at the table better than the one they gave at the presentation.

Let's pause here. Okay, I agree that they kinda shoe-horned the food into the movie, yes. Like several others, including their fellow losers' table people. And I agree that the dish could've been a bit more colourful if that's what they were going to sell (and agree they should've gone with their judges' table presentation instead of the one they did). But I have a picture of this dish in my web browser right now, and while it might've been nice to see a more yellowy yellow, the colours are pretty stand-out, particularly if put against a dish like Team Il Postino. (That's not a complaint about that dish, it's just that if one is going to talk about non-vibrant, that one pretty much is.) I honestly think this would not have been an issue if a) the other dishes weren't stronger and b) Tom Colicchio wasn't a judge. Because when he gets a bug up his butt, it's like the Roach Motel. The team might still have been on the chopping block (again, not because they sucked, but because the others mainly did a great job), but I wouldn't have wanted to shoot Tom for repeating himself 10000 times. Especially since he admits it tasted good.

Okay, rant over.

Anyhow. Team Vietwhatnow gets dinged for their very bizarre swiss chard pickle, which Tom (correctly) notes seemed to have no relation to the dish. Tom's also very surprised they really did spend their entire budget. Honestly, so am I. Manuel comes off a bit wussy, saying he kinda just went with the flow and honestly wanted to learn from Spike's idea, since he doesn't really know Vietnamese food... which is kinda cool on the one hand, but a bad thing to say at judges' table. Spike is asked to pick which one of them ought to go home, and says he doesn't "play that way", which is such total bullshit that I go borrow some boots from Paul Bunyan.

Back in the waiting room, Zoi is still bitching about the chocolate/wasabi thing, because it's so foreign to her. Frankly, I'm about ready to smack her, especially since it's so obvious from the comments that it's either Spike or Manuel going home, and also, they got a freaking compliment on the lamb, so, shut up Zoi. Manuel also sees the elimination as pretty obvious, and concludes he's going home. Awww.

Back at the table, they basically repeat everything they said before, as usual, and send Antonia and Zoi out into "still competing" land. Manuel and Spike are told their dish was the least favorite of all the guests, and then more of the same stuff, blah blah blah, Manuel is eliminated.

Manuel thanks the judges, very nicely, and then tells the other chefs they're talented and brilliant. He doesn't really seem all that upset, and he seems like a really good guy who just isn't suited for a reality show. I would be happy to let him make me tacos any day.

Next time: Fights!