Top Chef, "The Elements"

Top Chef, Season 4, Episode 5: "The Elements"

Finally, let's finish catching up with episode 5, only posted a day or two later than I meant to in the first place. Yay!

Morning dawns. People do pushups. People eat chocolate. Shut up, Zoi—erm, I mean, Zoi continues to complain how the results of episode 4 weren't fair. Which... they were, so, shut up, Zoi.

Guest judge Ming Tsai, who I'm not terribly fond of but can live with, is announced by Padma. We are told the amazing information that if one's palate isn't trained, one can't tell what tastes good. I never knew that. In the sense that I didn't know that water was wet.

Anyhow, it's time for this season's blind taste testing. Padma looks entirely too pleased to be pulling out the blindfold. Antonia tells us that she has been looking forward to this as its always her favorite challenge. I'm pleased at least one person has definitely watched the show, and suddenly move her way higher on the potential winners list.

The details this time around: the blindfolded chefs will be given two dishes of the same ingredient in different qualities. The chefs must identify the higher-quality version of the ingredient.

Ryan tells us that he's going to set the pace. I scoff, but when I hear his commentary on how to tell the better-quality from the lower-quality items, I realize that for once, he may know what he's talking about. As he more-or-less correctly informs us, the low-end quality items are more likely to be high in salt, sugar, or fat, as those are common in mass-produced items.

The chefs all have water to clear their mouths between tastings. Antonia goes one further, not only clearing between items but being very careful to taste with separate fingers. I would laugh if she ended up on the bottom, but honestly I expect she won't.

Lisa informs us it's easier without the blindfold, another nugget of "Duh" for the viewers.

Dale is glad he got the Asian ingredients right, but kicks himself over the caviar because he's such an afficiando of it. Me, I'm not surprised. I personally feel all caviar basically tastes the same, but then, my experience with it is minimal, being that I don't really like it much.

In the end, Stephanie is the worst, with only 6 of 15 correct. She knew she did badly, and tells us she's never good at Quickfires. She does not say that on the other hand she tends to do well in the Elimination Challenges, but I do note that, of course, she does. She is actually my favorite at the moment and I hope she at least makes the finale, and would like to see her win. But I sympathize with her feelings about Quickfires, since they would probably kill me if I tried.

Runners-up: a tie between Ryan and Jen (with 11 of 15). I guess Ryan is good at something. Zoi interviews that she's annoyed Jen did better than her. Bitch. Also, shut up, Zoi.

The winner is Antonia, with 12 of 15. I'm pleased, because I think it's nice to see a cheftestant who is clued into the process do well. While ultimately I still like to think the series is mostly about who is a good chef, the fact is, they do play a few games, and seeing someone game the games is funny. I'm kinda curious which ingredients she missed, too, but alas, they don't tell us this. This would be a great addition to the official site (detailed results in general, not just this particular Quickfire), but I'm not holding my breath they're going to include anything useful like that.

Elimination Challenge: The Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef Ball (say that ten times fast) is going to be catered by local chefs... but only the second through fourth courses. First course will be the responsibility of the the cheftestants.

We are reminded again that taste comes from your palate. I roll my eyes.

The theme of the first course is going to be the elements: earth, water, fire, and air. I'm glad they're going with the Western ones, because I'd be scared if the chefs had to tackle Metal or Wood.

And out comes the dreaded knifeblock. Once teams are drawn, they have a mere 15 minutes to plan, which seems kinda rushed for a team challenge. In retrospect, especially given the trend of judges' table comments this year, I can't help but wonder if they were trying to force some drama. I don't know.

Also... while I really want them to get to individual challenges and get away from catering, I have to say that a challenge based around the elements is damn cool. Along with the Seven Deadly Sins challenge from Season 2 (and the accompanying colour-based Quickfire), this challenge and episode 4's "Film Food" are probably my favorites, because I love that sort of broad creative theme. Not to say I haven't liked some of the other challenges, but stuff like this is just plain neat.

Anyhow. While they plan, we get to confirm who is on what team.

Team Water is: Mark, Andrew, and Richard. I begin to wonder if there's some sort of conspiracy hooking up Andrew and Richard. I also begin to wonder if they're going to do salmon and faux caviar for every dish they work on together.

Team Air is: Jen, Ryan, and Nikki. I am still not sure how I feel about Jennifer, but I can tell you I'm not fond of or impressed by Ryan and Nikki, so I'm kinda inclined to be sympathetic she's stuck with them. But at least she doesn't have Spike. Anyhow, for 'air', apparently they're going to do something birdlike. Which... I guess works.

Team Earth: Spike (spit), Antonia, and Zoi. Spike wants to do a boring soup. (Note I'm not objecting to him wanting to do soup. I'm objecting to the fact that Butternut Squash Soup is so done at this point that I am done with it without even having had any, ever.) Zoi is good with this, but Antonia doesn't feel it's the right choice and argues hard against it, suggesting a carpaccio dish. I can't remember now if she's the one who wanted mushrooms, but whomever suggested it is at least thinking right.

Spike gets in her face a LOT about how since she has immunity she shouldn't be making decisions. I flash back to Casey having immunity and having people be upset that she was taking a back seat because of it, and this just emphasizes for me that people with immunity are sort of in a weird place on a team. If they participate fully, people bitch. If they let others control things, people bitch. Wah wah wah. But, eventually Spike gives up on the soup, doesn't bother suggesting anything else, and bitches to us some more. Shut up, Spike.

Team Fire: Dale, Stephanie, and Lisa. Dale gives us his "thought process" about "fire, devil, deviled eggs" after suggesting it. While it's not an entirely stupid idea, it's not enough for a first course, so Lisa is probably right to object at least in part. More on this in a little bit. Dale interviews that Lisa is a negative person, which I think many of us have noticed. She always seems to be frowning or upset. But he's a bit of an ass about it.

Bravo breaks for commercials, advertising their own shows for the 325th time since I turned the episode on.

Shopping. The budget is $500 for each team. I believe they said something about having 80 guests. If that's right, they're getting about $6.25 a person, which probably isn't horrible for a first course, except of course, they're shopping at Whole Foods. (Okay, look. I actually do like Whole Foods. But seriously, I never will buy meat there again. They're great for organic stuff in general, though.)

Lisa tells us that because the judge is Ming Tsai, she really, really, really wants to do Asian to show off to him, and I mean, really, don't you think he's had enough Asian? I put "Shut up, Lisa" in my notes, because she sort of annoys me as she relates this.

Spike shows us Yet Another Hat as he uses a sarcastic "just slightly" for at least the second time (first time about Jen and Zoi, this time about Antonia's immunity and how she should shut up). I note that he thinks his options are basically strangling someone or taking a back seat. I think Spike may have issues with women. He definitely has troubles with black-and-white thinking.

Lisa asks her teammates if she can vocalize something. Vocalizing something in the process, since one has to vocalize to ask a question. Sorry, but I hate that term. Also, I hate when people say "Can I give you my opinion?" and stuff like it. Just say "Hey, guys, I need you to know I feel" whatever. Which she does. At length.

Now, I'm not saying she's wrong here. In fact, honestly, after certain other cheftestants' behavior when it comes to not believing in the food, to see someone insist they feel their team is doing the wrong thing is a nice change. But honestly, she comes off so annoying here. I may be being a little unfair, because she does have the right to object and to be heard, but... it's just about how fervent she is, I guess. I don't know.

Stephanie continues to win points with me by interviewing that her goal was to get Lisa on board with the team's dish, and managing to push that along by making alternate suggestions and getting Dale to agree. I strongly suspect that Stephanie's employees would love her, and am beginning to hope she leads the Restaurant Wars team when that horrible occasion occurs, although I'm a little scared it'd set her up for going home if things went wrong. So, anyhow, they decide on a spicy shrimp, which Dale is actually behind because he's got this great chili salad idea, and Lisa is much happier with, and finally get to the real shopping.

Meanwhile, Richard is buying watercress. Because he's part of Team Water. Um. Yeah. Also, of course, they're cooking their fish in water. Which is probably not a horrible idea. Yet.

Spike is still whining about the soup. Shut up, Spike. You agreed to go with another idea, you're shopping for it, it's over. Shut up. I can't believe you don't shut up!

But back to Richard. Richard is going to sous vide the salmon. Of course he is. Sigh. I mean, nothing against sous vide, but really, could you go one round without the mad science? Maybe. Also, you can't "orchestrate" salad, unless it's going to be a scary Symphony Salad. Also, you aren't the executive chef. So, shut up, Richard. And buy some hair gel. Your fauxhawk is drooping.

Lisa, meanwhile, is telling us about her special bacon, which apparently she's baking and using a pan to flatten. Which, um. I've been baking and broiling bacon since, um, a really long time ago, and while I haven't personally done the flattening thing, I have heard of other people doing it. I concede it's a good idea, but I'm feeling a little like she's touting her super-creativity a bit more than is warranted. Also, I swear at this point she said something about turning bacon into miso, and was confused as to how that would work, though it will turn out later she's just using miso in the preparation. At the time I wondered if that wouldn't just make it super-salty.

Team Air is doing duck. We don't see a lot of that, because it's much more interesting to show us Dale bitching about Lisa, who he says is bitching about everything. Indeed, in the clips shown, she's definitely got her dander up, down to and including bitching about how the bacon is somehow too thick, which, um, it looked like regular sliced bacon to me. On the other hand, bitching about someone bitching... um. Is what I do for a hobby, so I'll shut up.

Shut up, Spike. You're a two-faced liar. You aren't enjoying working with those women. Also, one of them's gay.

Shut up, Tom. No reason. Just shut up.

Shut up, Richard. You have no charm. You've said so yourself. You turn out to be right. Although that look on Tom's face was almost worth the bad jokes. I don't always like Colicchio but some of the faces he pulls are funny.

Shut up again, Tom. Pre-emptively. Before you do your usual dish dis.

Shut up, commercials. I revoke your right to say "reimagine".

Shut up... oh. I'm out of shut ups.

Back from commercial. Andrew is worried about scales that Richard found. Richard says he's going to double-check the salmon is clear of scales. Please note this for later. Also, for some bizarre reason, Richard doesn't want to plate until the last minute, and I agree with whichever person said he's probably never had to plate for 80 people before.

Team Water goes out. Sous vide salmon. Tapioca pearls. Yawn. Parsnip puree. I think whether or not I'd like that would depend wholly on seasoning. Watercress salad. Eh.

Ming Tsai finds scales. The number he says is 4 or 5. Then it becomes more. At judges' table, it will increase again. Tom notes that "some things aren't good sous vide". The salmon did not come out well, texture-wise. No one's impressed.

Team Fire: Spicy grilled shrimp with chili salad and the famous bacon. Padma thinks it's terrific. There's a small debate about whether or not it's too spicy for a first dish, but for the most part people (including random guests) seem to think it worked.

Team Air: Duck breast, Citrus Salad, Pomegranate Prosecco Aperitif. They didn't render the skin on the duck. Ew. Tom is sick of little drinks being served with meals. Me, too! Ming Tsai notes he likes them with dessert, with the obvious implication that with a regular course, not so much. Yeah.

Team Earth: Carpaccio with Mushroom Salad and Sunchoke Aioli. Now, this isn't a bad idea. Mushrooms and Sunchokes are decidedly earthy, and rare/raw meat certainly leans that way. In fact, Gail notes that she likes the theme. However, taste-wise is another matter. It's bland and the rosemary was a bad choice. (I... I don't know. I really like rosemary, but I concede it may not be the earthiest flavor in the world.) Spike reminds us he wasn't behind the dish. Shut up, Spike. A random guest says they think someone on Earth's going home. Ouch. (Send Spike! Please? Yeah, I know, wishful thinking... he's going to point the fingers elsewhere, we all know this.)

Judge discussion. Padma and Gail love the shrimp. It's their favorite. Go, Team Fire! Ming Tsai really enjoyed it as well. Tom loved the bacon. I guess the miso didn't make it feel salty. So, cool on Lisa. Really, I do like the method she used. My complaint was her going on and on about how special she/it was. I may have to try weighting the bacon next time I buy some.

The judges universally agree the scales and the sous vide between them killed the Team Water dish.

Tom didn't get the duck dish for Team Air. Gail liked the salad, though.

Team Earth was also not liked, because the food was significantly underseasoned. Tom uses the term "Cooking 101". I book a flight to go shoot him. So sick of that term.

Mark (Team Water) thinks they're going to get their asses handed to them. Richard says he wasn't happy with the execution.

Pre-table stew room. Mark isn't ready to go home. Duh. Richard still thinks sous vide was the right choice. Despite just saying that he wasn't happy with the execution. Padma's dress has a lot of ruching, and she wants Team Fire.

Winners' table. Yay, Team Fire! Dale hugs Stephanie and Lisa. I'm impressed. I'm more impressed by the fact that Lisa apparently knows how to smile. The miso-bacon dish is praised. The prize for the winner is announced: a trip for two to Italy. Nice. Stephanie explains her dish. She used sambal. Yum! Lisa is declared the winner for doing a "new technique". ARGH. Okay, I'm over it. Lisa's interview basically seems to be "Asian, Asian, Asian" repeated a hundred times. I want to tell her to shut up, but she's so happy, I can't. Dale is all upset because she "just made bacon". Which... on the one hand, sure. On the other hand, all he did was make a chili salad. What got her the win was her choice of ingredients combined with the cooking style, just like any other dish. Shut up, Dale. Be bitter quietly.

BTW, I have to say I really, really want to make this dish. Now that I've seen the ingredients, I even think the bacon is probably a lot more to my taste than I thought originally... plenty of sweet to help balance out the salty. It'd take having some extra money for ingredients I don't normally keep on hand, but I've been meaning to get some miso anyhow, and the dish really does sound spectacular. First dish this season I've felt this strongly about, so, really, again: go, Team Fire!

Bad news time for someone on Team Earth or Team Water. I guess Team Air was superior to them. Sad, but given comments, not unexpected.

Padma starts with Team Water. Richard lies his face off about the scales. Padma asks if Richard was happy with the texture of the fish. He says yes. Tom does not at all feel it was good. Tom also wants to know what the "reason" for the parsnip puree was for. Mark takes a while to come up with an answer (it's kinda a stupid question, so I don't blame him), but Tom is all dismissive. Whatever.

Team Earth: Antonia says she likes their dish. Tom and Ming Tsai say it was severely underseasoned. Zoi... oh, I can barely write this. It's so... lame. She says that maybe in their attempt to not overpower the ingredients, they overcompensated. Stop explaining, Zoi. Gail notes there was too much rosemary. Spike says he wanted lemon. Why didn't he add it, then? Spike goes on to blah blah blah Antonia immunity shut up, Spike.

And he just keeps talking. Should have have made soup, blah blah. Judges would have loved to see a soup. Shut up, judges. You agreed the concept was fine (except Tom, apparently), so, shut up. Spike says he's too nice and lets other people make decisions instead of being an asshole. Again with the black and white dichotomy, like there's no other way between them. An asshole is him.

Deliberation. Ming Tsai uses the "Cooking 101" phrase and I add to my flight. No one liked the texture on the salmon. The lowest score was, however, the Carpaccio. So is it going to be Zoi or Spike going home? Spike should've tried harder to be heard. Zoi did a bad job with the mushrooms. Tom wants to send both of them home. Frankly, at this point, if that's what it'll take to get rid of Spike, I'm all for it.

Judges' table "reconvenes", and Padma does an obvious voice-over.

Team Water had a dish that sounded good but didn't work out. Team Earth wasn't Earthy enough. He says. Even though Gail said the concept was great and the problems they originally noted were about seasoning. I hate him so much for that moment. Dumb-ass. Anyhow, the upshot is, the judges agree with the diners that Team Earth had the worse dish. Zoi loses. Spike's assholity wins another week. At this point, I am hoping he stays until the end so that someone can stab him to death on national TV.

Zoi says she wanted to cook, not compete. Um. Okay. Then you're on the wrong show. And, honestly, I should say something here I said elsewhere: I don't think Zoi is necessarily a bad chef. We didn't see much interesting out of her, granted, so I can't really know, but honestly, I got the feeling that the issue wasn't one of talent or ability. What I believe, especially in light of that comment, is that she is the type of person who does far better with planning than improvising. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the kiss of death for the show, of course, but it doesn't say anything about talent one way or another.

Back where the chefs are waiting, Jen hears Zoi say she's the one going home and isn't sure it's not a joke. Zoi is doing a pretty good job of not crying, though you can tell she kinda wants to. She and Dale say goodbye. Jen hangs on her and kisses her. Zoi leaves to applause. Jen is, of course, upset. And this, this is why I wasn't sure it was a good idea to let an involved couple on the show... because barring them both blowing the competition out of the water, this was inevitable. As hard as it might be to have someone go home you respect and have started to get to know and like, as hard even as seeing a friendly face (someone you've worked with or known for a while) go home, seeing one's lover leave, especially if one believes in them, has to be so much worse. I know they probably can't totally avoid chefs who know one another, but... I hope they don't do something like this again.

In the wake of Zoi leaving, Spike immediately tears into Antonia. Spike thinks it's heinous that someone with immunity would dare perform as if they didn't have it. Fuck you, Spike. Antonia keeps saying "Stand behind your dish", which... I get the point, I guess, but it comes off bad when it's all she says. Spike blah blah blah blah not fair not fair whiny little baby. Jen gets upset. Spike gets in Jen's face. Lisa says something which interviews have since confirmed was meant to be calming things down, but it doesn't. Dale turns into a gangsta, with the big gestures and crotch-grabbing, and if it had happened in another context I probably would find this hilarious, but things are way too intense over there and I pretty much just say "WTF?" At the end, Jen is so pissed off, she kicks a chair across the room. I'm just glad she didn't kick one of the contestants, although if she was going to, it probably would've been Spike... so...

...naah. I don't want her going home for that reason.

Okay. So. Caught up, I am. Next time? I have no idea. I could go watch a preview, but I probably still wouldn't know. (Continue reading...)

Top Chef, "Film Food"

Top Chef Season 4, Episode 4: "Film Food"

Oh, it's never a good sign when in the show's opening minutes, a cheftestant is talking about how he misses his family...

Heh, I have "Shut up, Spike" in my notes and I don't even know why.

Anyhow, the guest judge is Daniel Boulud, who we're all supposed to have heard of. Since I am not a professional, I will assume it's okay I don't know much about him. Anyhow, the Quickfire is all about technique, and the chefs are to create a "vegetable plate" using fresh vegetables and pantry items, showcasing at least three "techniques". I, of course, have no idea what "demonstrating techniques" is really supposed to mean... I assume that knife work is only one of them, and since various people go on to do types of cooking methods and such, I guess I'm right.

We get the usual "but I'm not classically trained" stuff out of about a third of the chefs, which I sort of get, because the mindset and approach are different even if the ability really isn't. Since apparently things like poaching and grilling count as techniques, I'm sure I probably have at least three "techniques" at my disposal, but I'd be lost figuring out what that meant if someone just threw the challenge at me. Which, again, is why I would never be caught dead as a cheftestant (or a professional).

Anyhow. End result: Boulud doesn't like Nikki's "endive boat", Lisa's combination of ingredients, or Manuel's simplicity. He does, however, like Zoi's perfect poached egg (I guess eggs are vegetables now), Dale's amazing plate (he does have him some serious knife skills), and Richard's presentation and mushrooms. He declares Dale the winner.

The prize for this Quickfire win is to be able to skip the knife drawing (groan) that the rest of the chefs engage in, and choose which team (groan) he wants to be on.

The Elimination Challenge is to do a six-course meal hosted by Richard Roeper, movie critic (and former columnist), cohosted by some actress I don't know named Aisha Tyler. Whenever I see the name Aisha I think of Neopets. The courses should be inspired by a movie. Which is actually a kinda neat idea, but now I can't help but wonder what a challenge based on Neopets food would be like. Other than disturbing.

First course is: Richard, Andrew, and (by his choice), Dale, and I already foresee this team winning. They choose Richard's suggestion of Willy Wonka, which I think is actually pretty inspired. Somehow I'm less than surprised that Richard likes Willy Wonka. Mad Scientist.

Second course: Spike & Manuel. Manuel wants to maybe do Mexican and suggests a movie Spike's never heard of. Spike counters forcefully with Vietnamese, and says they can use Good Morning, Vietnam as the movie. Which, uh. Cart before horse sorta thing, but whatever, they're not the only ones who are going to do this, see:

Third course: Jen & Nikki, who (of course) want to do Italian, and therefore pick Il Postino. I think they should've gone with The Godfather and done something with a horse's head.

Fourth Course: Ryan and Mark. Now there's a combination sure to be good for some chuckles, and yup, Ryan provides the first one by suggesting Dumb and Dumber, which to me conjures up the notion of beer and pizza—probably not a good choice. Mark has never seen it, and suggests To Kill a Mockingbird, to which Ryan responds with a blank look, but then, let's be honest, that's pretty much his default state. They back and forth a bit until Ryan has the astounding idea of doing A Christmas Story, only he can't remember the name of it even though he can describe the scene in detail. Mark shrugs. He hasn't seen it, but he gets the idea. This is already overly long, so I'm going to just say it involves having to substitute for Christmas turkey (with duck).

Fifth course: Antonia & Zoi. They want to do lamb, and specifically they want to do Spanish food, inspired by some movie called Talk to Her, which they play up as some movie about two strong, creative women, only apparently the women are in a coma for most of the movie, so, uh... whatever. They join the ranks of the "food first, movie after" crowd.

Last course: Stephanie & Lisa, who definitively do not want to do dessert, partly because they just did it last time, and partly because, well, they're smart. So they're going to do a beef and short ribs dish, which they link to some movie called Top Secret which apparently has a really funny cow costume scene or something. I don't know. Apparently I haven't seen enough movies recently.

So, basically, four of six teams have chosen meal, then movie, which irritates me a bit. Jen & Nikki redeem themselves a bit later by choosing specifically to do rustic-style Italian because of the movie, but there's not a lot of excuse for the others.

Anyhow. Time to shop at ProductLocation Placement, er, Whole Foods. Which, by the way... not a bad store, but honestly, I've never really been convinced their price:value ratio is all that good. Eh, whatever.

They get to the store, and we see a few decisions being made: The Willy Wonka team is going to do smoked salmon and faux cavier. Spike shows his true colours again by a) wanting to choose tilapia over sea bass, which I condemn him for because tilapia isn't exactly a high-end fish, it's just trendy, and b) only saying this to the cameras, not his partner, and c) obliquely calling Manuel his employee, and taking a moment to realize that he shouldn't say that. I hate Spike. Antonia discovers lamb is super-expensive (they're at Whole Foods, all the meat is overpriced IME) so they have to be very careful cutting to make sure they get enough portions. Because, you know, they can't change what they're making even enough to get chops or something.

And then there is the saga of the bird. As Mark puts it, "Just like in the movie, there was no turkey." And there's also no duck. Ultimately, they end up with quail, which he's relatively pleased about as he thinks it can be even better than duck if done well. I'm pleased, too, because duck is overused. Plus they should totally tell that story when they present the food, because it goes with the movie so well.

Later on, the chefs are in their digs, and Andrew.... Andrew is trying to imitate an Oompaloompa. Because he's INSANE. Thankfully, his teammates talk him out of doing this as part of the presentation, because they recognize he's insane, only Dale puts it as "kitschy" and Richard as "a little tongue in cheek". But you can tell they're thinking "insane".

Cooking starts. Nikki and Jen are cooking kale. I say "eww". Dale is doing the fish. Richard thinks he's a leader. Spike says "everyone knows summer rolls are made in Vietnam", which, if it's true, doesn't need to be said, so shut up, Spike. Also, he takes the time out to dis the Willy Wonka folks, so, shut up, Spike. Also, they're doing something with swiss chard, which I am very boggled by. Mark and Ryan are doing a spring roll, and I wonder if they mean a summer roll type or the fried type. The not-dessert ladies are going to be using caramel in their dish, I guess to give it the sweet-but-not-dessert feel. I have had good sweet ribs so this only sounds very slightly weird. Richard breaks out the mini-smoker again, and I'm starting to lose my fondness for his Mad Scientist shtick, because really, stop basing dishes entirely around it. The mini-smoker is apparently sick of it, too, since it stops working.

Meanwhile, the judges are entering the serving area. Padma appears to be falling out of her dress. There's a theater marquee announcing the movie inspirations in the room, which is a nice touch.

Back in the kitchen, the mini-smoker still won't work, so after a few other mishaps, they finally resort to smoking the salmon over an actual block of wood. I have no idea where they got this, but I have to admit that's pretty resourceful of them.

Presentation time.

Richard presents for Willy Wonka. They have lightly-smoked salmon, faux caviar, and chocolate wasabi sauce (the chocolate is the connection to theme, I guess). They've also included a drink, which Richard plays up as their version of the fizzy drink in the movie. It's apparently pear and celery soda which sounds... kinda bizarre. I'm kinda freaked out by the presentation of the salmon, but I'm not sure why. Tom says it's surprisingly good. Boulud likes it, other guests like it. Richard Roeper particularly likes their explanation. Ted thinks they do a good job of doing a delicate starter.

Spike presents for Good Morning, Vietnam. His summer roll is cut in thirds. It's very sloppy-looking, and to be honest, looks more like it's filled with coffee grounds than anything. It has vermicelli, green apple, and chilean sea bass (and possibly other, non-captioned things). There's some nasty-looking swiss chard thing on the plate. Boulud thinks it would've worked better without the fish. Ted says that for the budget they had, they could've gotten seafood. It's not well-liked, and Padma seems to think it's pretty obvious they picked the movie to fit the food.

Nikki presents for Il Postino and talks about the hillsides of Italy. I'm a little tired of Nikki doing pasta, but I have to admit it sounds good: tortellini with black cabbage, cheese, squash, and peppercorns. I also see some mushrooms in the picture on the Bravo site. It's a little messy and edging towards monochrome, which (probably predictably) leads Boulud to mention he doesn't like the presentation. Ted, on the other hand, defends it, as it's meant to be rustic. Tom thinks the dish is good, but not great. Richard Roeper likes it being rustic, and thinks everyone is being harsh. Ted Allen kinda says it's the judges' job to be nitpicky. Fair enough.

In the kitchen, Mark is worried his spring roll (which is the fried kind) is going to be dry, and they cobble up a sauce (I think Ryan does this). Ryan presents and tells the story of the inspiring scene, and actually does a pretty good job of selling it. There's quail breast with carrot puree and a cranberry chutney, and a spring roll using quail leg, which has some sort of sauce and which is really tiny and phallic. Padma thinks it's really delicious. Ted Allen says he has a new favorite dish. Richard Roeper comments on the story. Aisha likes the puree a lot, as does Padma.

Again to the kitchen, where Antonia is fretting about plating. I'm overjoyed to see people helping her. The presentation mentions the whole vibrant colours thing, which... well, I'll get to that in the judging segment. The dish is roasted rack of lamb with a saffron cauliflower puree, romesco, and something called gramalata that I can't get a definition for. Someone help? Anyhow, Boulud doesn't like it. Tom doesn't think it's vibrant enough, and wishes they'd gone for a chop instead of the really thin slices of lamb. See? Really, there's nothing wrong with lamb chops, folks. Aisha liked it, but it wasn't "transcendent".

Finally, Stephanie informs us that she really wants to impress Boulud, which I understand. Lisa does the presentation. They've done a NY strip and a braised short rib and apple potsticker with a reduction sauce and a tableside-applied savory caramel sauce. Boulud likes the seasoning. Tom likes it. Aisha thinks it's very original. Ted says he isn't sure about the connection to the movie but it kinda looks like he might be joking. Not sure.

At the table, the judges remain and give us their overview.

Tom thought the first course was whimsical and fun; Boulud liked the flavor combos and thought it was the most professional. Ted Allen notes it was also subtle.

Second course: Tom didn't like the "fishiness of the fish" or the garnish.

Third course: The dish was good, but the pasta was too dry. (But... it was made by the pasta queen herself! Are they... are they saying Nikki isn't as good as she thinks? (Helpful note: this was meant sarcastically.))

Fourth course: Mark and Ryan did a nice job, the dish had good colours (??) and they had a good story.

Fifth course: Tom doesn't think it matched their movie. He will continue to declare this repeatedly.

Last course: Boulud thinks they did a good job. Tom thought it was flawless.

Judges' Table.

Padma asks for the Willy Wonka (Richard, Andrew, Dale) and Top Secret (Stephanie, Lisa) teams.

Tom says both teams did a really good job with both their food and their connection to the movies.

Richard gets kudos for the chocolate wasabi sauce. Andrew gets them for the faux caviar. Lisa gets super-mega-kudos for the caramel sauce.

The winner? Team 1, specifically Richard for his execution and leadership.

Meanwhile, back in the Loser's Hotel, er, the waiting area, Spike and Zoi are both talking shit about the chocolate wasabi, which they didn't taste. They just magically know it would suck. Shut up, Spike and Zoi. I've had several types of spicy chocolate and it's usually quite good, and have they ever heard of mole sauce?

Loser teams are Good Morning, Vietnam (Spike and Manuel) and Talk to Her (Zoi and Antonia). What a surprise that the two people who dissed a dish they didn't even taste are now going to the loser's table. NOT.

Antonia says she's surprised to be in the bottom. Tom harps about the colour a lot and wasn't sold. Padma likes the explanation they give at the table better than the one they gave at the presentation.

Let's pause here. Okay, I agree that they kinda shoe-horned the food into the movie, yes. Like several others, including their fellow losers' table people. And I agree that the dish could've been a bit more colourful if that's what they were going to sell (and agree they should've gone with their judges' table presentation instead of the one they did). But I have a picture of this dish in my web browser right now, and while it might've been nice to see a more yellowy yellow, the colours are pretty stand-out, particularly if put against a dish like Team Il Postino. (That's not a complaint about that dish, it's just that if one is going to talk about non-vibrant, that one pretty much is.) I honestly think this would not have been an issue if a) the other dishes weren't stronger and b) Tom Colicchio wasn't a judge. Because when he gets a bug up his butt, it's like the Roach Motel. The team might still have been on the chopping block (again, not because they sucked, but because the others mainly did a great job), but I wouldn't have wanted to shoot Tom for repeating himself 10000 times. Especially since he admits it tasted good.

Okay, rant over.

Anyhow. Team Vietwhatnow gets dinged for their very bizarre swiss chard pickle, which Tom (correctly) notes seemed to have no relation to the dish. Tom's also very surprised they really did spend their entire budget. Honestly, so am I. Manuel comes off a bit wussy, saying he kinda just went with the flow and honestly wanted to learn from Spike's idea, since he doesn't really know Vietnamese food... which is kinda cool on the one hand, but a bad thing to say at judges' table. Spike is asked to pick which one of them ought to go home, and says he doesn't "play that way", which is such total bullshit that I go borrow some boots from Paul Bunyan.

Back in the waiting room, Zoi is still bitching about the chocolate/wasabi thing, because it's so foreign to her. Frankly, I'm about ready to smack her, especially since it's so obvious from the comments that it's either Spike or Manuel going home, and also, they got a freaking compliment on the lamb, so, shut up Zoi. Manuel also sees the elimination as pretty obvious, and concludes he's going home. Awww.

Back at the table, they basically repeat everything they said before, as usual, and send Antonia and Zoi out into "still competing" land. Manuel and Spike are told their dish was the least favorite of all the guests, and then more of the same stuff, blah blah blah, Manuel is eliminated.

Manuel thanks the judges, very nicely, and then tells the other chefs they're talented and brilliant. He doesn't really seem all that upset, and he seems like a really good guy who just isn't suited for a reality show. I would be happy to let him make me tacos any day.

Next time: Fights! (Continue reading...)

Top Chef, "Block Party"

Top Chef Season 4 Episode 3: "Block Party"

Only about two weeks late, my overview of episode 3. On the plus side, I had a chance to confirm some facts via TWoP. Thanks, TWoP!

So, the Quickfire judge is someone named Rick Bayless, who I have never heard of, nor have I heard of his restaurants, which seems odd since they opened long before I left Chicago. I'm guessing it's because they're downtown, hidden by the other 5000 downtown restaurants I couldn't usually afford. Anyhow, he has a sort of grating voice and I think he dyes his hair, and I don't like him, but he at least seems reasonably nice, which I like better than when they have the asshole judges, but he talks too much about how visionary his upscale Mexican is, so, shut up, Bayless.

Anyhow. Quickfire: take a taco, make it upscale. I'm overall really bored with "take a thing, make it upscale" challenges, and this is no exception. Chefs tell us how tacos are street food, some of them don't get the point of making it "fine dining", which I agree with, but it's expressed in a really bad way by all of them. Jonny Fairplay "Spike" tells us he doesn't want to be someone he's not, to which I respond, then use your real name, EVANGELOS. And shut up, Spike. But apparently this means he's just going to make a really good street style taco.

Somehow, this secures him a spot in the top three, even though it was precisely not the assignment. The other top people are Richard, who made a jicama-wrapped taco-like thingie, which actually seems like a neat idea, other than I wanted him to shut up about how innovative he is. So shut up, Richard. And lastly, Andrew, who I don't really like much but who obviously knows what he's doing, and who makes a duck and plantain taco, which is probably good, if one likes plantains. Richard gets the actual win, though, which is probably fair. Spike complains, because his obviously tasted better, not that he tasted Richard's. Shut up, Spike.

The bottom three are Erik (for plating), Lisa (for undercooked steak), and Ryan (for presentation), meaning two of three are because of the way they look, because obviously that's a sin in fine dining, much more important than the taste. Shut up, Bayless. And Erik is not about fine dining Mexican or whatever. Shut up, Erik.

And for the Elimination challenge, they get to divide into teams, which, really, I'm already sick of this season. I think I read on someone's blog (Lee Anne, maybe) that team challenges are easier earlier in the season or something, but seriously, bleah.

So they drive around and use walkie-talkie thingies and text messaging to try to figure out what's going on, without a clue, which is just pointless and time-wasting and I'd much rather have seen more cooking or opinions on the food then this. Production team, please note: watching people speculate stupidly and drive around? Not interesting.

Anyhow, the upshot is: they're going to be catering a block party. There's some product placement of some web site I haven't heard of and won't mention here since it obviously isn't important. And the Big Reveal: They'll be "shopping" at people's houses! Which, of course, they cleverly disguised in the previews, which were pretty much all about them running around with shopping bags from house to house. Preview team, please note: telling us exactly what's going to happen detracts from these Big Reveals.

Anyhow. The neighborhood folk obviously were prewarned, but the chefs make some comments that make me wonder if they've considered this. Red Team calls themselves Team Sexy, haha as if, and send Ryan because he's all suave, which he isn't, and cute, which I note that a lot of people seem to think (but I'm not one of them), and think Erik would scare people or something, which really I suspect he wouldn't. I found out later what neighborhood they were in, and it's maybe a mile or two from where I lived in high school... Erik would probably fit in fine. Richard notes he's bad at schmoozing, but then doesn't do too bad, and at least there's something he doesn't think he's good at.

Spike, who obviously still thinks he's on Survivor, tries sabotaging people, and then claiming he's not sabotaging anyone. Shut up, Spike.

Anyhow, they get back and start planning their menus. Blue Team wants to take familiar food and make it a bit more upscale. Red Team wants to take familiar food and make it familiar, because we all know those plain folks have no taste. No, that's seriously the impression I got of what they thought, which will later be confirmed.

Blue Team: Richard is making paella, Lisa is making some sort of slaw, Manuel is making BBQ pulled pork, Antonia is making bean salad, Mark is making "inside out" cookies, Stephanie is making a fruit dessert with cinammon sugar wontons, and Nikki is making macaroni and cheese, because Nikki makes pasta. And they're doing some sort of citrus drink with lavender, which we'll later learn was at least partly Stephanie's idea as well, and which I bet would work quite well on a hot day. Really I wouldn't call that much of an upscale from regular block party food, including the paella (which is, after all, often done as huge batches for gatherings), despite what Richard says, so, shut up, Richard. These people don't live far from a Latino neighborhood, they've probably had paella. The most interesting things, I think, are the desserts and the drink.

Nikki is using Velveeta for her mac & cheese, which she worries won't melt well and stay melted, even though that's precisely what Velveeta is made for. And it comes out dry. I continue to wonder why she wasn't sent home already, because, frankly, screwing up Velveeta takes talent.

Red Team: Jen is making "sliders", by which she means mini-burgers, Erik is making corn dogs, and I'm already groaning because... well, I'll get to that. Dale is making pork skewers. Andrew is making sangria, which hardly seems like the work of a long time... I hope he's working on something else? Ryan is making Waldorf salad, which doesn't strike me as good summer street food. Zoi is making pasta salad, which she doesn't want to make. Spike is making taco salad. The team is making s'mores (Maybe another Andrew thing? They're to be on sticks, which strikes me as his kinda jive.), which is probably the most summery of desserts they could've picked, so it seems like a good choice. In fact, the menu is mostly pretty summer block party but I'm still iffy on that whole Waldorf salad thing, plus three salads seems overkill.

Anyhow, back to the corn dogs. Once again, they're pre-cooking and then transporting and keeping warm, so this was a horrible choice. I can't believe that one week (less for them, I imagine) after the blini thing they're already making the same mistake. Erik is worried about the transport, which shows he's at least thinking about it, but it's still a dumb idea, and... well, it has predictable results.

They show more shots of people enjoying themselves than commentary on food, of course, because it's not a cooking show or anything. Oh, but wait, it is. One thing of note is Ted asking if the sliders are steamed (which they should be; I may not like White Castle but it's the right way to make 'em, dammit), and of course, they're not. So call them burgers. Okay? I am not happy with this co-opting of the word "sliders" to mean "miniature burgers". Padma is groovin on the s'mores, but drops half of hers, haha. There's a few other comments, but not enough.

Richard notes that since Red Team is fitting in better, he thinks they probably won. Spike notes they kept it simple for the locals. Shut up, Spike. The people in that neighborhood can afford to eat out at nice places pretty easily, if they choose, and they probably do, so doubly shut up, Spike.

Judges' Table time. Padma asks for the Blue Team, and I give a little cheer, because more of the people I like are on it. Red Team immediately starts bitching. Shut up, all of you.

Tom notes it was fairly close, and that he expected a lot more out of these chefs. Frankly, from what I saw, so did I. They basically made... block party food, with very little twist. They went pretty safe. (So did Red Team.)

Nikki gets dinged on her inability to make the cheese product known for its meltiness stay melty. Richard gets dinged on his not-paella because it wasn't crusty. To be fair, ingredient-wise, it looked pretty paella-y to me but I get the point. And to his credit he admits it should have been crispier. Antonia's bean dish was good. Stephanie gets credit for the dessert and drink and that's the reason she's the winner, as that's what made Blue Team better than Red Team. (Actually I couldn't tell if it was both or if it was the drink alone, but it sounded like both.) Go, Stephanie! And send me the recipe for that dessert, okay? (Oooh, I should check Wong Way to Cook for it.)

Red Team is sent back, and after they leave, still grumbling, Blue Team breaks out the celebratory hijinx, including Mark improvising a didgerderoo, which was funny as all hell.

Padma lets the Red Team know they were weaker. Ryan says he doesn't know why. Spike thought they were way better. Shut up, Spike.

Erik gets called on the soggy corn dog, and for a moment I thought he was going to cry. It's a specialty of his in his restaurant so I can sorta get why he got the idea and all but the judges are right; it's not a transportable dish. Though now I have a taste for a good corn dog. I'm not a fan of generic corn dog but I've had some high-quality ones that I like. They're annoying to make though with my kitchen setup at least, so, I guess I'll go on wanting them.

Everyone gets dinged for "dumb-downing" the menu, which Spike (shut up Spike) and... I think Jen? Someone else, anyhow, they try to defend, because of course we all know that normal folk have unrefined palates. Ted calls them on this, noting that even if you plan simply it still should be cooked well. Tom asks if everyone tasted Zoi's pasta salad, and opines if they thought it was good, it's their palates that were at fault. Erik tries to defend Zoi because she didn't want to do it, but the judges aren't buying that.

Andrew pulls an attitude about not going home. Shut up, Andrew. With any luck, he will get dragged out by security when his time has come, though it's not gonna be this week, I'm sure. That'd be funny, though.

Red Team is sent away and the judges discuss. They feel the team condescended to the crowd, which is exactly what they did. The worst dishes: Ryan's soggy and watered down Waldorf, Erik's soggy corn dog. Ted notes it probably was great when fresh-cooked but after sitting it was not, and they should've done something else. Zoi's pasta salad was "worse than store bought". Ouch.

Out in the waiting room, Zoi is angry at herself for not speaking up about the salad; she should've said she didn't think it was a good idea and done something else. Agreed, but a little late on that, though at least she realized it earlier than some people, and didn't blame her teammates. Valerie.

Back to the table. Tom goes over what we just heard. Erik is the loser.

I'm not really surprised, nor am I surprised when everyone seems genuinely upset. He seems like a nice guy. Erik says he's going to miss people, especially Zoi, who seems like she'll especially miss him. I think they bonded over the soufflé. Erik notes he still has his restaurant and his career, so it's not the end, and he had fun. Nice words. Hopefully he won't come up with some stupid, bitter interview later. Valerie.

Next time: Well, I never saw the preview, since I watched E3 and E4 back to back, so I don't know! Only, well, I do now, but... well, it's coming. (Continue reading...)