Buzzword Bio Bingo #1

After reading and watching the bios of the Top Chef Season 4 'cheftestants' on Bravo, I am now convinced that they pass around a buzzword cheatsheet to industry professionals each year before conducting interviews. On this year's list: "seasonal [food or ingredients]", "Japanese mandoline", and "Vita mixer/blender", among others.

But let's jump back a little. I'm going to go over this in the order I originally did: quick print bios first, then videos (which I'll break into a second post).

Cheftestant #1: Andrew. Andrew, your 'simple spring recipe' is not simple, and it doesn't sound appetizing. Now, I'm biased: I don't like mixing in sweet fruits with savory tastes very much. But really: strawberries and mango and fish sauce and siracha and basil and mint all together? (Not to mention several other ingredients.) Sounds like something that would horrendously fight itself. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I need to taste it, but I think that's really a bit much.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Three Asian influences mentioned. It seems to be popular this year, although to be honest it's always popular lately, to mention you incorporate Asian flavors... it's actually almost getting boring. On the other hand, One Cool Point for at least naming specifics instead of using the word "Asian".

#2: Antonia. Your recipe is at least simple. I'm not sure how I'd like it as I'm not a huge fan of beets but it seems sound enough in principle, and I like the idea of mixing goat cheese and almonds. Plus one Cool Point for liking to share root beer floats with your daughter, that's kinda cute.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Olive oil and balsamic vinegar. There's more of that in the videos. These are basic ingredients so I don't really think of them worthy of special mention as a rule, and I'm not sure why so many cheftestants feel a need to do so this year. Okay, if you really, really love to cook with them, maybe, I dunno, but... duh, it's like saying 'salt'.

#3: Dale. Another Dale in Chicago? Hrm... interesting. Also, while sources tell me there are no openly gay men this season, I'm... um... see... my gaydar actually broke when his picture came up, so I'm a little... unconvinced. But, well, I actually do have male friends who are straight who would trip other people's gaydar, so I guess you never know. The fact that his favorite simple spring recipe involves mushrooms that are particularly phallic (a lot of mushrooms are, but matsutake is more so than most) also makes me wonder, though.

Anyhow. Myoga and ponzu on mushrooms might actually be good, and I guess 'earthy' is springy, so not bad. And it does qualify a simple, if a little obscure.

Since he's Filipino, he doesn't get a Buzzword Bio checkmark for mentioning Asian flavors as, well, duh. However, I still have to remove Cool Points for this quote: "I love the balance that Asian cuisine offers the salty, sweet, bitter and sour and the textures it provides for different experiences in every bite." Honey, you could put any word in place of 'Asian' and get the most generic description of why chefs and foodies alike take to particular cuisines.

#4: Erik. Our boy Erik's self-taught. That's not unprecedented, but it is unusual. And he must be doing something right, since he's got a good position... er, a good job, to clarify.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Spring lamb and spring garlic as his simple recipe. Look, I appreciate there's a reason spring lamb is called that, but really... well, you'll see.

Also, isn't Chilean Sea Bass over as a popular dish?

#5: Jennifer. Gaydar... tingling. And my sources say my gaydar is right. (What 'sources'? Well, teh intarwebs, of course!) So, maybe no gay men, but definitely some lesbians this season. Okay.

Anyhow, that's not really important. What's important is that she's the second chef so far to not understand the word 'simple'. First of all, tongue is never simple. Second of all, sauce Dragoncello? I had to look up what it was, but having found a recipe, I proclaim it also Not Simple.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Spring lamb tongue. Not "lamb's tongue" or "sheep's tongue", no... spring lamb tongue.

Buzzword Bio Bingo #2: "believes in cooking for the season". Oh, how I already loathe the "seasonal cooking" phrase, and the number of times it will be repeated is just astounding. So let me take a moment to rant about it.

People, saying you want to, try to, always cook seasonally is almost as silly as telling me you like to cook using heat. Of course you do. Even housewives on stingy budgets in lousy locations like to use fresh in-season ingredients when possible. I'm not averse to dried and frozen ingredients (canned I am picky about but for some things they're fine, too) but obviously fresh ones are preferable when time, money, and availability permit.

So stop acting like you're coming up with something new, original, and (pardon the pun) "fresh" when what you're doing is what any decent cook would do. It's ridiculous, and it tells us nothing about you except that you can't think of anything specific to say.

(The rare exception to this are those chefs who reverse the emphasis, e.g., "I love cooking in summer because I love the fresh [corn, peppers, tomatoes, whatever] that are available then.")

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy a plane ticket so I can retrieve my eyes, so far have they rolled. [End rant.]

#6: Lisa. Interestingly, Lisa didn't trip my gaydar, though reports suggest she prefers the ladies. Well, I'm not perfect.

Again with the not understanding 'simple'. Okay, you might have a simple rub pre-made, and yes, a reduction sauce is relatively easy when you do them all the time, but... eh. I can't get worked up about it, because, well:

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Lamb? For a spring dish? Say it isn't so! Well, at least it's not phrased as "spring lamb". But, really, if all y'all are so big on "seasonal ingredients", why not mention some nice seasonal veggies, like, I dunno, asparagus or beets. (And, in fairness, I should go back up and give another Cool Point to Andrew for including mangoes and cucumber on his list, since those really are seasonal...)

Buzzword Bio Bingo #2: Oh, look. Asian cuisine. It's even in her heart. Plus "Asian flair", whatever that is.

#7: Manuel. I'm gonna note something interesting about Manuel when we get to his video. In the meantime... one Cool Point for his simple recipe, because crab + vinaigrette is reasonably simple. Though... I'm not sure crabs are very Springy... well, maybe.

And another Cool Point for not mentioning any Buzzword Bio Bingo terms... though I did consider '[classically] French trained' to come close. And one more for having to work with Mario Batali.

Gee, I hope I like you on the show. Your bio is so promising...

#8: Mark. I thought Mark might be gay, but it turns out he's just a kiwi, an entirely different kind of fruit. And another self-taught person.

Another chef that doesn't understand 'simple'... but that's much less important than this: Two words I never want to see together again are "mint" and "edamame". I think the mint would just kill the flavor of the edamame, and also, eww. Two more words I never want to see together again: "espresso" and "hollandaise". WHY?

Interestingly, though he was raised on a sheep farm, he didn't mention "spring lamb". I normally think of venison as an autumn dish, but I suppose in the other hemisphere, that might not be the case, so I'll reserve judgement on that one.

So, one Cool Point for not using any Buzzword Bio Bingo terms. But seriously, dude... "minted edamame"? "Espresso hollandaise"?

(If this were a year or two ago, "espresso randomly thrown into other things" would probably be a Buzzword Bingo thing, but that seems to have died down a bit, so he gets a pass on it for that reason, albeit not for ruining perfectly good hollandaise with espresso. That's me, you might like it, I dunno.)

#9: Nikki. My first thought: Oh, Lord, does that pose make her look bitchy. Anyhow.

Simple spring dish: well, reasonably simple, and reasonably springy: shallots, peas, and mint all qualify for sure, and grape tomatoes, well, I still think of them as summery but they're easily available in spring I suppose. I don't think I would like the dish (peas and I don't get along well and I don't think I'd like them at all with cheese) but it seems reasonable.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Passionate. She almost escaped, but too many people talking about their passion/heart/soul this year (and, really, every year).

#10: Nimma. Now, Nimma has a simple recipe... in fact, I might venture it's a little too simple, at least for someone competing on this show, but it at least sounds good: fresh fish with "amazing" olive oil and sea salt.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Olive oil? Well, she mentioned it as an ingredient, so we'll let her off on that one.

However, she goes on to say she "always has salt, pepper, green tea, coffee, and butter on hand", and I think that may actually qualify as a single Buzzword Bingo term (except maybe the green tea), because, you know what? So do I (except maybe the green tea).

#11: Richard. Despite the fauxhawk, my gaydar says "straight". Since he mentions a wife and a forthcoming child, I'm gonna go with that being right.

Simple recipe? Hrm. Lamb meatballs... yeah, okay. BUT:

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Lamb, in spring? Say it isn't so! (I have this incredible feeling of déjà vu here...)

On the plus side, he also mentions rhubarb, which you don't hear very often. One Cool Point for mentioning a lesser-used spring ingredient.

Buzzword Bio Bingo #2: Cooking is an art.

Ya think? I mean, I haven't heard this mentioned more than about, oh 3798932 times in my life.

#12: Ryan. ...hrm. He's straight? Well, okay, I'll take your word for it.

Spring simple recipe... goodness, it's both. Spring pea soup with yogurt and dill cucumbers... actually sounds good, even if I'd avoid it for the pea factor.

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Passion. Why do chefs always need to tell us they have a passion for cooking? Why?

Other than that, nothing else stands out.

#13: Spike. Your name is Spike? Really? Huh. And do you always dress that way? Really? Huh. And those sideburns, are you for real with those? Really? Huh.

Okay. I'm going to call him and praise him on the same thing:

Buzzword Bio Bingo: Lamb? In spring... yadda, yadda.

On the other hand, Greek spool lamb onna spit = 1 Cool Point.

Also, again, in the "not quite a buzzword but close": "training in classic French cuisine". Yeah, yeah.

On the other hand, One Cool Point for opening a restaurant chain with burgers, dogs, fries, and shakes, and mentioning they're your weakness. Way too many chefs are all about denying the junk food, so good on you.

#14: Stephanie. Finally someone else on the Chicago show who lives there! Even if she's from somewhere else originally.

Simple spring recipe: honey, gnocchi is not 'simple'. It's not. On the other hand, aspargus and green garlic is at least Spring.

Amazingly, no BBB, but minus one Cool Point for "has to be 110%", because that phrase was old and boring when dinosaurs roamed the earth (you know, when I was in high school).

#15: Valerie. Ahh, another Chicagoan! Though after watching her video I thought she might be more North Shore than city limits, but I'm not sure.

Simple spring recipe: I'm not sure pot stickers qualifies as either, pork or otherwise. But at least it's not lamb.

Buzzword Bio Bingo she gets a pass on because I'm not including "global/all over the world/etc." in this year's list.

#16: Zoi (Pronounced, it turns out, "Zo-ee", not "Zoy", which is almost disappointing.) And another self-taught person! That's at least 3, more if I missed one, which I don't think I did, but now that I've said that someone will let me know I did, or would, if anyone was reading this.

Simple Spring Recipe: Well... I guess it's sorta simple. But, of course:

Buzzword Bio Bingo: 'Roasted baby California lamb' is close enough to 'spring lamb', and anyhow, it's lamb. Lamb lamb lamb.

Points for 'simple and rustic', but...

Buzzword Bio Bingo #2: local, seasonal ingredients. Again, duh.

Oh, and I almost forgot: Did not trip my gaydar, which in light of recent news is kinda odd.

So that wraps up the written bios. Next time: the video, and more exciting Buzzword Bio Bingo!